Whine whine blah blah

So, Dustin has this friend named Rita. Rita and Dustin used to date for like ever and they were super serious. And she dumped him and he like wanted her back for a really long time... Now, they're just friends and that's all. Best friends.

Anyway so last week, Rita wanted Dustin and I to come over and hang out and this would be the first time I would meet her. It was super awkward as expected and I was okay with leaving. Now, don't get me wrong, Rita is super nice and I can see why Dustin would think we'd be good friends or whatever. She's also really pretty. Like way prettier than me. Fuck.

So, I made it through that awkward situation only to be reminded that I had agreed to go with Dustin to Rita's father's (his name is Dan) retirement party. Dustin really looks up to Dan and said that Dan is like a second father to him. So I'm like, "Well there's gonna be a lot of people there, maybe it won't be as awkward as I'm thinking." So we get there today and at first, it's fine. Rita's family is really nice and very welcoming, doling out all kinds of congratulations and stuff. So I think I'm gonna make it through without it being too awkward even though at one point, there's Dustin, myself, Rita and Rita's best friend, Lindsay (who Dustin also had a little fling type thing with) all hangin out in one room together... yaaaaaay.

Then it comes time to leave. Goodbye to Lindsay. Goodbye to Rita. Goodbye to Rita's mom (I would tell you what her name is but honestly, I don't think I can spell it) with multiple promises to keep her updated about baby type things. Then we say goodbye to Dan, who says, "You know, I was really hoping Dustin would be my son-in-law but that didn't turn out..." Well that's a weird thing to say to me but alright, brush it off. Then we're about to leave and Dustin wants to say goodbye to Roman (Rita's brother) so we hug him and are walking back to our car and Roman says, "Dustin, you were supposed to marry my sister."

...........

Am I overreacting? Like that's not something you say to someone or their spouse. What? Maybe it's my crazy pregnancy emotions that have made me so upset about this... I don't know. It doesn't help that these people are like a second family to Dustin and so they're super important to him.

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Letter to you

Dear you,

Yeah, you know who you are. You're the one who pops into my head when I hear a cheesy love song/see a romantic movie/read a book with a lovey couple. You're the one who can make me smile with just the simplest thing. You're the one who makes me the happiest I've ever been.

You make me want to be better. You make me want to stop smoking. You make me want to go out and buy girly clothes like dresses and like fashion crap. You make me want to go back to school and get a degree. You make me want to be my best self.

You are the greatest person I have ever met.

Love,
Sammy

My Life in Seasons

Sluggin through the snow
Bundled up in coats
Hurrying to our destination
Slidin down the icy slopes

The snow is melting
We're shrugging off the heavy things
The flowers are blooming
The showers of Spring

The heat is overwhelming
Lazy days in the sun
Pants exchanged for shorts
Summer has begun

The heat is fading
The leaves are falling
Autumn is upon us
Winter is calling

Back to the snowy sludge
Always changing, always the same
Day by day, season to season
Never doubting how it came

Curves

When I'm feeling particularly down on myself about my looks (when I'm trying on clothes, when something doesn't fit anymore, when I'm naked) I usually whine to my boyfriend about how fat I am. His response is always an outright denial followed by, "you're not fat, you're curvy and I've always liked curves." I always believed him too because he is attracted to me and that would make sense. That worked until I snooped on his Facebook and found his ex girlfriends.

Names changed for secrecy sake.

Me: oh hey it's Ophelia .......she's super skinny. Well maybe it was just one of them. Wait, no, here's Desdemona and she's good looking too. Well... Fuck. I think this is the Viola I'm thinking it is and, if so, god damn it she's small too."

Soooooo... Obviously... He either really sucks at going after what he wants or he's been lying to me to make me feel better... Whyyy does this kind of hurt my feelings so much?

Before

I loved him before. Before he was the way he is now. Before he was super lovey dovey and before he was actually happy. I loved him even though he didn't "love" me. Or at least never said it.

I remember when I told him I loved him the first time. We were driving back from his parent's house and he knew something was on my mind cause I was just sitting there deep in thought. When he asked me what was wrong and I said, "Nothing, I'm fine." It wasn't a lie. I was fine. More than fine. I finally knew or realized I guess that I love the guy I am with. He didn't believe me though. He never does. He badgered me until I finally told him.

I remember being really nervous. This was a huge step and we hadn't been dating that long. My stomach was all in knots when I muttered, "Nothing is wrong. I just... I finally realized that I love you."

This didn't surprise him. I had told him that I was "falling for him" a few days earlier so he simply replied "I know. You told me that. I said I was falling for you too."

His response made me even more nervous. He didn't understand what I meant so I had to make it even more clear. Bare my heart way more than I had been. "No. Like I actually love you." I had been staring at my lap. Probably picking at my fingernails in the nervous, habity way that I do. When I said that though, I looked up at him and he was staring straight ahead looking at the road. "You don't have to say it back if you don't love me too. I just wanted you to know. I won't feel bad if you don't feel the same. I'd rather you not say it then say it and not mean it."

I believe his response was something along the lines of "Well thanks for telling me." we rode back to Bloomington in silence.

However, a few days later, as we were lying in bed (him on one side, me on the other, not touching) he rolled over. I was still awake and he had been asleep for an hour or so. He grabbed me around the waist, pulled me to him and said, "I love you." then he kissed me for a really long time.

When we came up for air, I said, "What brought that on?" and he replied "I just woke up and realized that I wanted to say it." I can't express how happy I was.

So I loved him before. Before we broke up. Before we got back together. Now... I love him even more than I did then. Maybe our break up did the same thing to me that it did to him. He loves me more and tells and shows it to me everyday and I feel the same. Maybe it just took a little bit of separation to make us realize what we didn't wanna be missing out on for the rest of our lives. I no longer feel nervous when telling him that I love him even if I do say it far too often. Probably because I know it'll always be followed with an "I love you too" no matter how many times I had said it.

Broken

I feel like we're both broken and that's why we work so well. We complement each other in less than ideal ways. I, myself, have been wronged by men in every way possible so I have someone like him who is nothing like any of the men I've had before. He's sweet and considerate and he likes to treat me like a princess and he never makes me feel like a waste of a human being.

Then there's him. His parents divorced when he was young and he had a rocky childhood. He felt like everyone had abandoned him. Now he has someone like me who loves so deeply and gets waaay too attached. I can't imagine even wanting to leave him and have contemplated putting myself in danger just to stay close to him.

We are two broken pieces. Two halves of a whole. When alone, insignificant. When put together again, something great.

Feelings

I don't know how to put into words how I'm feeling sometimes. Do you ever feel that way? There's just a certain state of being where you're not bad but you're not really good either. Contentment maybe? Complacency? It's all very neutral and I guess that's not a bad thing but we all want to feel good all the time right? I know that's not really possible cause you gotta feel bad sometimes to really appreciate the good times but this in between feeling is just... So indescribable and irritating.

I mean when someone asks you, "Hey how are you doing?" Your only response is, "I'm fine." Because if you say, "I don't know." then they'll automatically assume something's wrong when it isn't. You just literally do not know how you are feeling. If you're not good, does that mean you're bad? Is it all black and white? I feel like emotions are just all shades of grey except for fantastic and terrible.

Anyone out there have any input?