Yeahh

With friends like these...

I was gonna avoid writing this blog because I know that eventually it’ll be read and I’ll get bitched at for saying this. You know what? I don’t care!

I feel like any time no one does something that isn’t exactly what she wants then they are the devil. Why is it that we must live up to her standards or else it’s the end of the world? However, any time she does something that she’s scorned us for, it’s perfectly okay? The hypocrisy is insane. Now she wants to move out because we’re actually standing up for ourselves instead of just letting her walk all over us. We don’t want to kick her out because despite what she thinks, WE ACTUALLY LIKE HER! Someone doesn’t have to be obedient to be your friend! 

Warning: sadness

Woo second blog post! Movin on up in the world and stuff. So, I was reading through my friend's (let's call her Diana Prince...that's Wonder Woman btw) blog at all of her lyrics and she made me want to try to write a song. It was terrible. Moving on, writing it made me want to talk about the incident that I wrote about.

Most of my friends never knew Lily and… she was one of my best friends in middle school. I purposefully kept her a secret from my parents because it felt nice having her all to myself. She was fine with it because she wasn’t good with people even though she was the funniest person I had ever known. If there is one person out there who was exactly like me as I am now, it was her. If she had stayed in Indiana, she would’ve gone to North instead of South and I might’ve gone with her. She was my soul’s other half. She knew every single thing about me that anyone could know. I remember nights when she would drive over, park her truck down the road so my parents wouldn’t hear it and we walk for miles and hours with nowhere to go. That park by that church that I used to walk to all the time was where we would go when we just felt like going somewhere to sit. When I think of the day she left, it brings tears to my eyes. She had been abused by her father and finally, her grandparents adopted her and took her to Illinois. She was so happy to go live with her grandma, Karen, because she was the only family member that stood up to Lily’s father. It was the best thing for her and although I didn’t want her to be so far away, I knew it was for the best. She came over the night before she was to leave and tumbled through my window onto my bed, her laughter echoing off my walls. She laid there for hours with her feet sticking out of the window, staring at the unicorn banner that was on my ceiling, talking about Karen’s plan for her bedroom. We made plans for me to come visit during the summer, whole summers at a time. The night progressed and at one point, she admits to me that she was in love with me. It was a shock to my system. She had never even told me she liked girls. Maybe she thought I would judge her or something, I’m not sure. After her confession, she tried to kiss me and I pushed her away. I don’t know what was wrong with me. I freaked. She left; I fell asleep with my head spinning with all the thoughts of the evening. I was a coward and didn’t go see her off the next day. To this day, I am ashamed of how I acted. After a few days, she called me and I apologized. We were fine. There was a girl in her neighborhood, Kristina, who was really nice and pretty. They hit it off. Within a few months, they were hanging out every night. All the nights we had spent together were being duplicated a state away with someone else but I didn’t care because she was happy and that was all that mattered.

That fateful night, she snuck out of her grandparents’ house to go driving around with Kristina, her feet propped up on the dashboard. That was the first night they kissed. With love in their hearts, they cruised around town, carefree and talking about the future. The light turned green, they started across the intersection. That’s when another guy hit the side of the car Lily was sitting on. She was killed instantly. Kristina was hospitalized for several days and almost didn’t make it. The man had been drinking and I suppose didn’t see that the light was red or something. If they had left a little bit later, had spent more time in one of the many stops they had, they might’ve avoided this altogether.

I still remember getting that call at 4 in the morning from Karen. When I first saw the number, I thought it was Lily calling to tell me something exciting. I answered with a smile that quickly fell when I heard weeping on the other end. I could barely make out the words through the sobs, “Samantha, there’s been an accident. Something’s happened to Lily.” Since that day, I’m not sure I’ve felt grief that tangible.

I just logged onto Myspace so that I could view her profile. It’s hard to believe that it’s been almost 4 years since it happened. My brain just can’t seem to handle that. I wish I could visit her grave. I never go to Illinois though and when I do, it’s on the opposite side of the state. Kristina used to email me all the time but she doesn’t really anymore. I just…can’t fathom it still. It’s still unbelievable to me that someone that vibrant, that alive could just be gone.

R.I.P. Lily =(

Warning: ADD ahead

What does one do for a first post in a blog? I suppose I could talk about myself but…that seems a little boring, doesn’t it? I mean, if you’re coming here, you already know who I am. Well, for those of you who don’t, I uh… I am a nerdy, crazy, clumsy, sometimes alcoholic, hopeless romantic and aspiring writer. I’m not used to writing about myself… Onward!

I guess the reason I started this was because I wanted to rant about stuff and not spam my Twitter followers and Facebook sucks. I mean EVERYONE is on Facebook and that makes it awesome to make sure you stay in touch with people but when something is actually going on, suddenly people you never talk to want to become your special therapist because they think they know what’s going on. Man, I love when that happens. Also, sarcasm is great.

Anyway, so today (yesterday technically) I…eh back story is needed here obviously. So, every Thursday, my group of friends and I go out to eat Chinese food. It was a long-standing tradition before I came along but they just love me so much, they deigned to allow me to join them eventually. I may have invited myself along the first time but they realized my awesomeness and decided they needed to have more of that in their lives so I started going. I promise I’m not really this arrogant. In this group of people, there is a guy (yeah I know) who I have admitted to his face that I like him. That took a lot of courage. Maybe he’s not the kind of guy that likes to reject people or something because he tells me he likes me too…kinda. Now that I look back, I’m not sure he ever actually came out and said it at that point in time. I was drunk, I don’t remember the conversation. Anyway, so on New Year’s Eve, I’m all, “I will kiss-rape your face if you don’t stop me right now.” I didn’t actually say it that way but that was the gist. He actually stops me and says “Blah blah blah…I think you’re really cool. Blah blah blah… I really like you. I wanna go slow because [insert personal reason here] and I don’t wanna mess things up. I’m trying to focus on that and not relationships right now.” Now, this would’ve been fine. You have issues, whatever; everyone has baggage. I get it. Then, not two weeks later, we’re at a Christmas party together. Yeah… Christmas party in January; they obviously know their months. Anyway, a mutual friend comes to tell me that this guy (let’s call him…Clark Kent. Cause I like superheroes) has been trying to get with this girl that they work with for weeks. Of course, at first hearing this, I’m like, “Psh whatever. Gossip is lame.” However, every girl makes the mistake of investigating rumors. I consulted a lot of people and, turns out, it may not be totally untrue. Then, I actually see Clark with this girl and it’s all obvious how much he likes her. So, I says to myself, “Samantha! You don’t need this crap in your life. Look for someone who actually likes you and wants to be with you.” I decided, then and there, that it would be best not to pursue Clark anymore. Obviously, I still like him and we’re still friends but I just figured it’d be easier for me to just not try for that anymore. Now sometimes, Clark sends me these sweet texts and it makes me blush and I have to remind myself what I had said and forget about him. Also, he gives me these weird, lingering hugs; hugs which are longer than normal ones sometimes. It makes me hope then he invites the girl to Chinese and other outings and they go to movies so I realize that it’s stupid to think about that kind of stuff.

Anyway, back story completed, Clark invites the girl to Chinese and all that. I give up. I’ve tried to move on to someone else who has kind of given me the same run around. This guy (let’s call him Peter Parker. I really like superheroes.) says the same “let’s take it slow” kind of thing. It makes me wonder if he’s trying the same thing. Are Superman and Spiderman both trying to just let me down slowly? I dunno.

By the way, sorry if there was a lot of grammar mistakes in there but I was trying to type how I talk and it didn’t work so well or so says the proofreading thingy on Microsoft Word.