ACen Friday

Okay so after not being able to go to sleep for a long time because of the symphony going on in my room, I get maybe 4 or 5 hours of sleep. Maybe? I dunno. I get dressed and we all walk to the convention center to attend opening ceremonies. The opening ceremonies at ACen do not compare to the opening ceremonies at Revoluticon. Maybe because it's not as intimate? I dunno. Meeting all the guests was cool though. Especially Vic Mignogna stroking Travis Willingham's face XD

Anyway so after opening ceremonies and a little bit of wandering around the dealer's hall, I split off from Dove and Felicity to attend a Star Trek panel with Jared, Frank and Anthony...because I am that kind of awesome. Found out that Vic Mignogna and Todd Haberkorn are going to be staring in a webseries called "Star Trek Continues" and got so super excited about it. Again because I'm that kind of awesome (also known as lame) and ya know, that requires fangirling. Vic will be Kirk and Todd will be Spock. Amazing right?!

So let's see...after that, I reconnected with Dove and Felicity I think. I can't really remember the middle of Friday because not much happened. I think we went back to the room to eat, Felicity and I ventured out again out of boredom. Ended up going to the Eyeshine concert for a little bit and they were pretty good. After that, we waited in line for like 2 fucking hours waiting for LM.C to start their concert, at which point, we were joined by Ira. While Felicity and I waited in line without Ira, we played "I Spy" and became bored with it after like 30 minutes.

Finally, we get in and LM.C is all I dreamed they'd be. The lead singer was a little douchey but all-in-all it was an awesome performance and I would gladly go see them again. Especially since they played my two favorite songs ^__^ We didn't try to push to the front, watching from afar was just fine. This is where my voice is definitely starting to go. I'd talk normal for a while then it'd just go out suddenly. The guitarist was cute, Ira and I discussed this. He flicked his pick into the crowd after the show and I almost got it but this bitch mom yanked it away from me at the last second for her like 12 year old daughter. Whatevs.

After that, I said adios to Ira and Felicity so I could meet up with Anime Punch guys. However, Mike was not responding to my texts about where he was so I wandered down to the karaoke panel that I knew was hosted by a couple of them. After a little while in there, he finally replied and I headed up to the room they were in. This is where it gets interesting. I walk in and the room is packed with people. Mike makes me a tasty drink (as always) and I step away from the table so he can help the other people. Where I step to is directly in front of another AP guy who was hosting the karaoke downstairs but had stepped away, obviously for alcohol. I remembered him from Revoluticon but it was apparent that he didn't remember me which is forgivable since there quite a bit of people besides me who were much more memorable I'm sure XD So anyway, I get to talking to him and he somehow convinces me to go back downstairs and sing something in karaoke. Despite my failing voice. I'm sure you can see where this is going.

So we get back downstairs and a duet is promised so I don't look like a total toolbag. So Norm (AP karaoke guy) takes his seat up front and as I'm about to sit in the crowd, motions for me to join him up front. So, yay, front of crowd! This isn't weird at all >__> Especially since Robert is there <__< And everyone is staring >__> Anyway, our duet is decided and it's "My Eyes" from Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog. Fantastic movie, fantastic music, fantastic song. Only, I know that I can, in no way, sing any high parts. So I tell him that he has to sing Penny's part. He declines then decides to poll the audience. Big mistake. We all know that crowds like to see you embarrass yourself and so would much rather see a man sing a woman's part. So, he lets a few people go ahead of us so he can look up Penny's lyrics. We did sing a long when someone sang "Make a Man out of You" from Mulan though because, come on. How can you not? But, eventually, our turn is up and we sing the song and my voice cracks several times through it. But the crowds applauds after we're done and we're permitted to sit back down.

After the panel, back up to the room! Norm makes me a couple tasty drinks and we just chill and talk to everyone and I get super wasted somehow. Chad ends up coming to walk me back to the hotel because I'm not sure I can walk it on my own. Since I am super wasted and found out something that deeply hurt my feelings, I end up breaking down and crying all over Chad for like 30 minutes. It was kind of pathetic. I make it to the room at approximately 6am and collapse onto the bed in full clothes, falling asleep almost instantly.

ACen Thursday

I suppose we can take a break from boyfriend troubles to talk about my favorite time of the year: ACen! I seriously look forward to this time of the year every year. After it's over, I get all sad and wish I could be back there even if there was drama, it was still amazing. I'm hoping to go to more cons this year than I have in previous years because, hey cons are awesome and I need more of this in my life.

So, on Thursday, I had prepared to wake up early so I could go and get my car checked out by Ira's uncle and we could leave early so the boys wouldn't have to wait forfreakinever in Chicago for us to get there. Because they rode the bus up there and left Indy at 9 am. Well, that didn't work out so well since I was up until like 6:30 am the night before working on cosplay. Whoops! So I wake up at like...1? Maybe? Anyway, I go smoke, call Ira and find out she's practically home already. Yay! As soon as she gets home, we head over to her uncle's shop where his boss is a total douche! Like, seriously. Anyway, I'm informed that my wallet is about to be ass-raped because there are ten thousand things wrong with my car. Thankfully, her uncle pretty much pays for the oil change, they put a little air in my tires, change out the turn signals and give my car sideburns. During this, Ira and I are cleaning out the multitude of trash that has built up in my car since I got it a year ago.

We get back to my house and Dove, Felicity, Ira and I somehow magically fit all of our stuff in my car. Like, holy crap. I realize that it was four girls in my car but holy damn. Lot of stuff. We take off! Only to return a few minutes later cause I forgot my purse >__< Then Chad demands my Lou Bega hat in return for retrieving it for me. Which is alright because it was starting to fly off of my head with the windows down anyway. So try #2 at leaving is successful and we start off! Dove's in the front and Ira and Felicity are in the back. We listen to wizard rock until we get to right before 465 in Indy which is when we pull over to get gas and snackage, Mcdonalds for me, Taco Bell for the rest of them...weirdos. Back on the road with Ira in the front! She has the special GPS so it's required for her to be in front. She switched the CD over to Skye Sweetnam and we girl out because fuck yeah Skye Sweetnam! Then woo 145 mile stretch of road! At some point, maybe 30 miles from the outskirts of Chicago, we pull into a rest stop and Dove starts driving so I get shotgun and Ira must return to the back seat. Eventually we get to the hotel and set up and shtuff. Ira takes some Nyquil and passes out. I get "Hey Saaaammy. You wouldn't happen to need to go to Wal-Mart anytime soon wouldja?" from like 2 of the boys. I'm all blarrrrg I just drove forfuckinever I don't feel like being in the car right now! Ugh! Eventually though, they won't shut up about it so I tell them if it's not too far away and if they get directions, I will take them. So Jared gets his GPS going and we all pile into my car. I would just like to point out that this was Jared, Frank, Anthony, Fargles and myself in my small car.

So, we lowride it to Wal-Mart with Frank, Fargles and Anthony squished in my backseat where the boys buy food and Jared buys me booze for giving them a ride. Yay! So after a return back inside because Anthony forgot that he wanted to look for pants for his Popo costume, we return to my car and start to go back. We get a good 10 minutes on our way back and Jared's phone dies...and Frank left his at the hotel... So what I'm telling you is: we're stuck somewhere in Chicago with no way to get back to our hotel. So Jared tells me that he remembers that the next step was to get off on 94 or whatever so we do that and start to drive on the highway. Then I see an exit for Bryn Mawr Avenue and I'm like "Hey! That road intersects River Road!" and turn off onto it. Our hotel was on River Road btw. So we take that exit and then come to an intersection. Right or left? Well to the left, it's a different road name (something with an A) than to the right (Bryn Mawr) so I'm like, "Alright, let's go right!" So we go right...all the way to the end of the road. The end of the road is in a barely lit part of town with a bus terminal and it's really creepy. So I'm like, "Okay guys...right or left?" I think we end up going left. Anyway, we wander around town a little bit before I tell them that if I don't get gas soon, we'll be stranded. So we stop at the weirdest gas station ever with the tiniest gas pumps I've ever seen and ask the gas station attendant for directions. This is how that conversation went:

Me: Hi! Do you happen to know how to get to Donald E. Stephens convention center?
Him: Uhhhh....is that by the arena?
Me: Um, I dunno. It's on River Road.
Him: Yeah! There's an arena on that road. It's right by the arena!
Me: Okay...well how do you get there from here?

Then he gave me some crap directions that had a part where it sounded like 7 minutes to me but apparently like 7 miles to Jared, who had come inside with me. So we go the way he told us. No River Road. So we stop again at some small convenience store and ask again. This guy was easier to understand and actually seemed to know what he was talking about. So we get in the car and start driving again, still lowridin btw. This guy's directions made a bit more sense but I think he thought we were talking about East River Road because that's what he directed us to. We turned left on that road like he told us and remained lost. I'm not sure how we came to find River Road. I think it was magic, myself. Anyway, we found River Road and amazingly were able to turn the right direction to get back.

Back at the hotel, we put all our crap away and prepare for sleep...I think Fargles fell asleep first. And oh boy can that boy snore! I think this was the loudest snoring of all time! Then Frank joined in for a symphony of snoring which was contributed to by others a little bit. So Jared, Ira and I, who could not sleep because of all the noise, decided we were gonna go on a walk through the hotel. So we wander. We found many many many sculptures and paintings and the like and pretended to study each one with a thoughtful eye. I believe, "It's just so...THERE!" was uttered at one point XD We found a place where they were about to have coffee so Ira stole a mug and some honey. At one point during our wandering, we ran into Ethan, Garett, Ben and Chad as they were getting off the elevator. Walked with them for about 2 seconds then were like "Hey wanna get the fuck outta the break room?" So we said bye to them. We wandered enough to find a fitness center. In our infinite wisdom, we decided to work out because hey why not? Chad stopped by to say hello before heading to the convention center. After he left, we stole some fruit that we rightfully earned from our work out and headed back upstairs.

After dropping off our thousands of oranges, we went back downstairs. Ira and I played with the hand dryers in the bathroom and put a napkin under a table thing that lifted up. Jared also hid Ira's pilfered honey under there after she went to the bathroom again. We ascewed many pictures then went back upstairs to go to bed. I believe that is the end of Thursday. Next up: Friday!

Aassbag

Aaron. Just the name scares me sometimes. Ours was a story of high school sweethearts but much younger. I met him when I lived in Spencer in the fifth grade. So that was what… uhh 2000? I think so. He lived down the road from where we lived and we rode the bus together. He fought my battles for me and made sure the other kids didn’t make fun of “the new girl.” Then I moved again. I figured I’d never see him again. Then, in the summer between 8^th and 9^th grade, I got a friend request on MySpace (gay!) and we reconnected. We hung out a lot because he would drive from Spencer to see me. Our friendship grew to a relationship in the course of a few months.

At that point, everything was great. He was attentive and took me out to eat and on dates. For my first real relationship, I thought it was perfect. Then things started to get weird. At first it was just little things like getting jealous and angry when I talked about my guy friends (of which I had many) even if it was something small and insignificant. That, though, wasn’t enough to make me worry. Since I hadn’t had a real relationship, I figured that underneath cool exteriors, all guys were that way. However, it quickly became apparent that he was not like other guys as I had first suspected.

The first time it happened, I’ll never forget. We had been having a great day. Laughing, joking, smiling…it all disappeared the instant I told him that I had hung out with my guy friends a few days before that. He asked me if I had feelings for any of them. I told him no but that was not the right answer apparently. His hand swung up and across my face before I could even react; before I even knew what was going on. I covered my face in shock, tears spilling out automatically. His face went from anger to apologetic in an instant. He told me that he was sorry and said he’d never do it again. Ever.

The second time is less memorable. All of them have blurred together that I barely remember which moment was which. Just blinding pain and the fear that struck in my gut any time another man was brought up, whether by me or by him. Always followed by an apology and a promise to never do it again. There’s a scar on my right forearm from when he swung at me with a claw thingy that you garden with, you know what I’m talking about. I have a part of my hip that can’t feel anything because we got into a car accident because he had my thigh in a death grip and I was trying to struggle free and, somehow the nerves were damaged. If bruises left scars, there’d be scars on my face, arms and legs. After the first few times when it was noticeable and he ran out of excuses for his mother, he started hitting in places that could be covered with clothes.

Now, you may be asking, “Sammy, what the fuck? Why didn’t you get out of there as quickly as possible?!” Here’s where it just gets stupid. Along with the physical, there was also emotional abuse as there usually is. He had me convinced that no one ever would love me. He was the only one who could, who ever would. I mean, who could ever love a girl like me? I’m stupid and ugly and blah blah blah. This is how it went and I believed it. So now there’s emotional scars left on my pride, my dignity and my self-esteem.

Eventually, with enough encouragement from friends, I was able to break up with him. Although, none of my friends believed that he actually existed even though they all saw the bruises. I guess since they never met him, he must not be real right? So, on top of the physical and emotional scarring, I knew I couldn’t really rely on my friends to be there for me when I needed them because they’d just think I was lying. The thing was I didn’t want him to hurt anyone. When a psychopath gets into it, I don’t care how strong you are, he’s taking you down. I loved my friends too much to let anything happen to them. Anyway, even if it meant that I’d never have love again, I broke it off. That was one of the scariest moments of my life. Of course, I hadn’t been through the next few months and years, really, yet so I had no idea.

Aaron became a constant fixture in my nightmares, which I was having nightly and still do occasionally. It is a lot easier if someone is in the bed with me, which is why I love to cuddle. I don’t have nightmares. My nightmares were not the only terror I got from him, though. He’d come to my house and visit sometimes. My room at my parents’ house was on the ground floor so all he had to do was come up on knock on the window and he knew I’d always answer. Mostly, I was scared for my family. He could so easily get to my sisters but he didn’t want them. He wanted me. So I always answered for him which ended up with me being knocked out by having my face slammed into my window pane and waking up with the window still open and dew collected in my hair and on my face at 6:30 in the morning. Still, I always answered. One of the worst moments was when he came to my house after he had just acquired a gun. I wondered how he could’ve passed any kind of test to carry a weapon but I’m sure he didn’t have a permit. That raised the stakes to an insurmountable level. I felt like I was drowning in my own terror or that nothing I could do would ever get rid of him; get him out of my life.

After that, I had a few visits from him at home or at my work when I worked at the gate house down at the lake, where he backhanded me because I was alone and he could do that, I guess. Last summer, he came to my house again after a few months of silence. I think one of the worst things about him is that he’d leave for a while and, right when I thought he was gone for good, I’d hear that knock on my window and feel the weight settling in my stomach and just know that he’d be there with that smile on his face and the “Hey Sammy baby!” ready on his lips. After last summer, though, he’s disappeared completely. One of the times I drove out to Spencer, I drove past his mom’s house, hoping to see his sister or brother or any of his family really, just to make sure they were okay. There’s another family there now. I asked them if they knew where the previous owners were and they didn’t.

I don’t know where he went or if he’s still alive really. I know it’s bad to wish death on a person but if there is anyone in this whole world I would like to see tortured to death, it’s that man. When I moved out, I knew I wouldn’t hear that knock or have to lie in bed, wondering if he’ll visit tonight until I’ve been up until 5 and I can’t keep my eyes open anymore. The thing is though, when I moved out, my youngest sister moved into my old room. Since then, I’ve had this constant panicky feeling that he might come to see me and find her there instead. The thought has haunted me for…oh I don’t even know how long. Every day that she makes it through the night, uninterrupted and not terrorized is another day that I know he’s been gone. Maybe he knows what my car looks like and deduced when it wasn’t there for several weeks in a row. One can only hope.

I’ve figured it out that he is the basis of all of my trust issues. All of my issues, really. Well, I guess it’s not only him but we won’t go into all that. Now that you know my worst, let’s continue on to Chris.

I need to have written diarrhea

Have you ever written something out just so the memories can fade and you won't have to think about it anymore? That's how I feel about my past relationships. I don't want to think about them but I can't stop because I don't think I've ever told anyone the full story mostly because no one's ever really asked... So with these next few blog entries, I'm gonna go into detail all the ups and downs of the "love" I experienced.

With this one, I'll start with the ones that I don't count because they didn't last very long. My very first boyfriend was named William Marsh and I only started dating him because my best friend, Kaela, had a huge crush on his best friend and thought that if Will and I got together, they'd have a shot. It was also partially so that I could say, "Hey I have a boyfriend!" I used to be really shallow -__- When Kaela and Will's friend broke up, our relationship didn't last long. He had nothing in common with me and frankly, I was a lot smarter than him and that made conversations with him pretty boring. Maybe that's mean to say but I don't really care. He didn't take the break up well and insulted me at every chance he got. Being who I was back in middle school, I didn't take it lightly eventually ending up with me beating him up. I was a much angrier person back then. That changed once high school hit and you'll find out why.

After Will was Jeff. We all know Jeff. We dated for a measly month to a month and a half and our physical relationship amounted to no more than hugs and holding hands. He was kind of a dick back then. We weren't even great friends or anything and so that deteriorated our relationship. I don't even remember why we broke up but I remember it had to do with him being an asshole.

Those were the couple insignificant relationships I had before my first big one. We'll cover Aaron in the next blog post.

In a nutshell, I am stupid

Okay let me set the scene for you. We're at Sam's doing Nerf wars and it's probably midnight or something. It's Danny, Derrick, Courtney, Sam, Dustin and myself and we're doing a free-for-all type of thing. Danny and Courtney are already out of the game and I'm hiding in the corner made by the couch and the wall. Dustin comes around the corner and I don't know if I shot him a bunch or if I just got a headshot but I got him out. Then, while he's telling Danny how I got him out, I start reloading and say jokingly, "Love you, babe."

Before I'm even finished saying it, I already know it's a mistake. I didn't mean to say it. Hell I don't even know if I meant it, it just slipped out. He didn't say anything so I'm not even sure if he heard what I said considering immediately after I said it, I asked about the remaining people in the round. He didn't say anything about it for the rest of the night and didn't seem to be bothered at all so I dunno...

I've always been kinda loose with the "love" word in the first place. I tell a lot of people I love them and I truly do. I just know that that is a kinda sore spot with him. I'm pretty sure he doesn't even believe in love. I just don't know to apologize if I don't even know if he heard it. Just be like, "Hey so if you heard me tell you that I love you, it was totally an accident." I can only imagine any one of his possible reactions. "You told me that you LOVE me? What the fuck?!" or "Okay...I think we need to take a break, you're kinda freakin me out." ughhh

Camaros

It has been decided. I am in love with powerful cars. Angie's boyfriend/fiancé Chris just took us for a ride in his Camaro. Just imagine the pure power of the V8 engine pushing the blood through your veins, making your heart race and a smile spread across your face. Every time he shifts gears, your heart skips a beat and your nerves tingle. It was amazing taking hairpin curves at 60, 70, 80 miles an hour, feeling like you were gonna slide off the road at any moment but never actually doing it. I'm pretty sure we drifted at one point. All in all, it was an awesome time.

A bit belated but whatever

I sit here at a funeral for a woman I barely knew. I'm not sure what emotion to convey: grief, indifference, a willingness to talk to people? I don't know. This isn't really a social situation anyway. This isn't a chance to catch up and talk about your school/career. I don't know how to act when I'm in this kind of situation. There are many people here I know but fear to talk in case I say the wrong thing. What am I supposed to say when they ask, "What was your favorite thing about Jude?" How am I to answer that when I barely remember anything about her? Should I default to the, "She was such a vibrant person who always made everyone happy."? I feel nothing at first except for a nervousness that I won't act or feel correctly. Anyone who comes up i just wanna say, "I don't wanna play the pretend everything's okay so let's catch up game. Move on to someone else." I just hope my short, conversation killer answers are enough to make them give up. I mean there are people I haven't seen in years but I just lost all socializing desires as soon as I entered this funeral home. I may joke about or watch movies about death but when you're immersed in such tangible grief, you find that death isn't as funny as you used to think. Then I see her daughter, the reason I'm even here. She's standing at the front, looking at the pictures of her mom. I sidle up as she's reading her mom's favorite poem and put a hand on her shoulder. She finishes reading and scoffs, saying, "that's just like her" before turning to me to ask how I am. I'm dumbstruck. For her, of all people, to ask me how I'm doing when in the midst of all this grief, is just amazing. After I tell her that I've been fine, give her a hug and offer my condolences, I return to my seat. After I've had enough of the tension in the room, I head outside where half of the guests are catching up since it's so nice and not crowded outside.

Then I see him. The man who made my childhood a living hell. That man (let's call him...Harvey Dent) tries to talk to me but Melissa pulls me away just as he's about to hug me. I feel my heart pounding and my hands shaking but I don't let him see what a mess he has made me in the few minutes since I made eye contact with him. I'm sure he saw the fear in my eyes that still resides in the very memory of him. After the short encounter, I scurry back to the safety of my seat next to my mother, who has returned from socializing and rest my head on her shoulder.

Then the service starts. It's lovely. It's exactly what I want when I die. Jude was cremated so there was no body. Instead, they had a few poster boards that were made and a slide show. The whole service was just an open forum for anyone to come up and share a story about her that they just wanted to get off their chest. There were many touching stories but also funny ones. Laughter is always welcome at my funeral. I would want my friends and family to reminisce about all the good times we had. Jude had obviously enriched many lives in her short time on this earth so I hope to be the same.

R.I.P. Jude Gater