My stupid brain

When they both fall asleep is about the time that my brain decides that I'm too happy and it wants to bring me down a couple pegs. I get really sad for absolutely no reason and it's baffling. It makes me wonder if I've got slight PPD or something. I miss my old life. I miss the apartment and I miss my best friends. We barely speak anymore when at one point, we used to talk everyday. I miss that one summer that Kaitlin and I (plus two losers) hung out every night. I think we went skinny dipping like at least 4 times. I miss not having any responsibility. I miss drinking and getting high and a little bit, I miss smoking. I miss not caring about my health. I love my husband and I can't imagine my life now without my daughter but I really miss who I used to be and I can feel that familiar tug inside of me that wants to run away and not look back. I want to pack up everything and move to Chicago. I want to drive and not stop until I reach the west coast. I wish I could just go.

Now, however, he has a manager job and it seems like more and more things are sinking their claws into me, anchoring me here. A part of me wishes I'd left when I had the chance because I'm not sure I'll get another now.

Rambling political nonsense

Dustin said to me yesterday, "The older you get, the more conservative you're getting." I live in probably the most liberal town in the Midwest and it's scary to think that he might be right.

I learned recently about an apartment complex that's opening up in Bloomington that would house the homeless with absolutely no responsibility on their part. Basically, they can drink and do drugs all they want and their rent and utilities will be paid for; the only thing that qualifies them is that they have to be "chronically homeless" which means they would have to have been homeless for a year or more or have had 4 episodes of homelessness in the past 3 years. Oh and they won't force them to go to treatment or anything so yeah. Maybe before I would've thought, "Oh that's nice. It'll get them off the street and perhaps it'll inspire them to better themselves." Now, all I can do is silently scream in frustration because I know that those assholes can better themselves in high barrier shelters like ours but they're just too damn lazy. I've seen it for Christ's sake! All this is gonna do is use taxpayer money to house lowlifes. This makes me want to bash my head against a wall.

Does this make me more conservative than I was? Yeah probably. However, the change in my way of thinking wasn't brought on by traditional conservative means. I'm not getting all up in arms because I feel like this is communist/socialist/whatever but it's more because I have worked with these types of people for a while now and gotten to know the different types.

I mean, when you think "homeless" do you see the guy panhandling on the street alongside the guy who works 40 hours a week? No, of course not, and I didn't either before this. However, we had a resident who worked 40 hour weeks and still couldn't afford to live on his own because his bitch of an ex-wife was sucking every last penny for child support and probably alimony. Should he pay child support? Hell yeah, he should! But is that really fair? I mean, yeah he could work two jobs to get an apartment. People do it all the time. Then he'd never actually see the kids he's paying all this money to support. That's not okay.

I've gotten way off topic here. I still identify as a liberal but I've obviously got some conservative-y thoughts permeating my brain and is that really all that terrible? I've always kind of been on the fence. When I vote, I vote Republican and Democrat. Maybe that's because I was raised in a split household.

This makes me wonder how Lily will turn out...

Whine whine blah blah

So, Dustin has this friend named Rita. Rita and Dustin used to date for like ever and they were super serious. And she dumped him and he like wanted her back for a really long time... Now, they're just friends and that's all. Best friends.

Anyway so last week, Rita wanted Dustin and I to come over and hang out and this would be the first time I would meet her. It was super awkward as expected and I was okay with leaving. Now, don't get me wrong, Rita is super nice and I can see why Dustin would think we'd be good friends or whatever. She's also really pretty. Like way prettier than me. Fuck.

So, I made it through that awkward situation only to be reminded that I had agreed to go with Dustin to Rita's father's (his name is Dan) retirement party. Dustin really looks up to Dan and said that Dan is like a second father to him. So I'm like, "Well there's gonna be a lot of people there, maybe it won't be as awkward as I'm thinking." So we get there today and at first, it's fine. Rita's family is really nice and very welcoming, doling out all kinds of congratulations and stuff. So I think I'm gonna make it through without it being too awkward even though at one point, there's Dustin, myself, Rita and Rita's best friend, Lindsay (who Dustin also had a little fling type thing with) all hangin out in one room together... yaaaaaay.

Then it comes time to leave. Goodbye to Lindsay. Goodbye to Rita. Goodbye to Rita's mom (I would tell you what her name is but honestly, I don't think I can spell it) with multiple promises to keep her updated about baby type things. Then we say goodbye to Dan, who says, "You know, I was really hoping Dustin would be my son-in-law but that didn't turn out..." Well that's a weird thing to say to me but alright, brush it off. Then we're about to leave and Dustin wants to say goodbye to Roman (Rita's brother) so we hug him and are walking back to our car and Roman says, "Dustin, you were supposed to marry my sister."

...........

Am I overreacting? Like that's not something you say to someone or their spouse. What? Maybe it's my crazy pregnancy emotions that have made me so upset about this... I don't know. It doesn't help that these people are like a second family to Dustin and so they're super important to him.

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Letter to you

Dear you,

Yeah, you know who you are. You're the one who pops into my head when I hear a cheesy love song/see a romantic movie/read a book with a lovey couple. You're the one who can make me smile with just the simplest thing. You're the one who makes me the happiest I've ever been.

You make me want to be better. You make me want to stop smoking. You make me want to go out and buy girly clothes like dresses and like fashion crap. You make me want to go back to school and get a degree. You make me want to be my best self.

You are the greatest person I have ever met.

Love,
Sammy

My Life in Seasons

Sluggin through the snow
Bundled up in coats
Hurrying to our destination
Slidin down the icy slopes

The snow is melting
We're shrugging off the heavy things
The flowers are blooming
The showers of Spring

The heat is overwhelming
Lazy days in the sun
Pants exchanged for shorts
Summer has begun

The heat is fading
The leaves are falling
Autumn is upon us
Winter is calling

Back to the snowy sludge
Always changing, always the same
Day by day, season to season
Never doubting how it came

Curves

When I'm feeling particularly down on myself about my looks (when I'm trying on clothes, when something doesn't fit anymore, when I'm naked) I usually whine to my boyfriend about how fat I am. His response is always an outright denial followed by, "you're not fat, you're curvy and I've always liked curves." I always believed him too because he is attracted to me and that would make sense. That worked until I snooped on his Facebook and found his ex girlfriends.

Names changed for secrecy sake.

Me: oh hey it's Ophelia .......she's super skinny. Well maybe it was just one of them. Wait, no, here's Desdemona and she's good looking too. Well... Fuck. I think this is the Viola I'm thinking it is and, if so, god damn it she's small too."

Soooooo... Obviously... He either really sucks at going after what he wants or he's been lying to me to make me feel better... Whyyy does this kind of hurt my feelings so much?

Before

I loved him before. Before he was the way he is now. Before he was super lovey dovey and before he was actually happy. I loved him even though he didn't "love" me. Or at least never said it.

I remember when I told him I loved him the first time. We were driving back from his parent's house and he knew something was on my mind cause I was just sitting there deep in thought. When he asked me what was wrong and I said, "Nothing, I'm fine." It wasn't a lie. I was fine. More than fine. I finally knew or realized I guess that I love the guy I am with. He didn't believe me though. He never does. He badgered me until I finally told him.

I remember being really nervous. This was a huge step and we hadn't been dating that long. My stomach was all in knots when I muttered, "Nothing is wrong. I just... I finally realized that I love you."

This didn't surprise him. I had told him that I was "falling for him" a few days earlier so he simply replied "I know. You told me that. I said I was falling for you too."

His response made me even more nervous. He didn't understand what I meant so I had to make it even more clear. Bare my heart way more than I had been. "No. Like I actually love you." I had been staring at my lap. Probably picking at my fingernails in the nervous, habity way that I do. When I said that though, I looked up at him and he was staring straight ahead looking at the road. "You don't have to say it back if you don't love me too. I just wanted you to know. I won't feel bad if you don't feel the same. I'd rather you not say it then say it and not mean it."

I believe his response was something along the lines of "Well thanks for telling me." we rode back to Bloomington in silence.

However, a few days later, as we were lying in bed (him on one side, me on the other, not touching) he rolled over. I was still awake and he had been asleep for an hour or so. He grabbed me around the waist, pulled me to him and said, "I love you." then he kissed me for a really long time.

When we came up for air, I said, "What brought that on?" and he replied "I just woke up and realized that I wanted to say it." I can't express how happy I was.

So I loved him before. Before we broke up. Before we got back together. Now... I love him even more than I did then. Maybe our break up did the same thing to me that it did to him. He loves me more and tells and shows it to me everyday and I feel the same. Maybe it just took a little bit of separation to make us realize what we didn't wanna be missing out on for the rest of our lives. I no longer feel nervous when telling him that I love him even if I do say it far too often. Probably because I know it'll always be followed with an "I love you too" no matter how many times I had said it.