Broken

I feel like we're both broken and that's why we work so well. We complement each other in less than ideal ways. I, myself, have been wronged by men in every way possible so I have someone like him who is nothing like any of the men I've had before. He's sweet and considerate and he likes to treat me like a princess and he never makes me feel like a waste of a human being.

Then there's him. His parents divorced when he was young and he had a rocky childhood. He felt like everyone had abandoned him. Now he has someone like me who loves so deeply and gets waaay too attached. I can't imagine even wanting to leave him and have contemplated putting myself in danger just to stay close to him.

We are two broken pieces. Two halves of a whole. When alone, insignificant. When put together again, something great.

Feelings

I don't know how to put into words how I'm feeling sometimes. Do you ever feel that way? There's just a certain state of being where you're not bad but you're not really good either. Contentment maybe? Complacency? It's all very neutral and I guess that's not a bad thing but we all want to feel good all the time right? I know that's not really possible cause you gotta feel bad sometimes to really appreciate the good times but this in between feeling is just... So indescribable and irritating.

I mean when someone asks you, "Hey how are you doing?" Your only response is, "I'm fine." Because if you say, "I don't know." then they'll automatically assume something's wrong when it isn't. You just literally do not know how you are feeling. If you're not good, does that mean you're bad? Is it all black and white? I feel like emotions are just all shades of grey except for fantastic and terrible.

Anyone out there have any input?

Live life to the fullest

I was told the other day by a customer, "I want you to do...everything that I wouldn't do...and enjoy the fuck out of it because I'm too scared to do it myself." I hope to never live my life that way. I hope that I'm never too afraid to do what I want. I feel like if you're living only what you're not scared of then it's just a half-life (and not in the cool video game way either) and honestly that's no way to live. There are people I know who refuse to do the things they want because they're scared or alone and don't want to do it themselves.

I've never had social anxiety so I don't really understand when someone can't just walk up to another person and be like "Hi! I'm alone today cause all of my friends are douchebags. Want to come do this awesome thing with me so I don't have to be by myself?" Admittedly, they might say no but that's about the worst that can happen. I do recognize the fear of rejection and have experienced it many times. Someone just telling you, "No I don't want to be with you/spend time with you/keep you company." is a scary thing because it makes you feel like you're not good (enough) for anyone. And that's a terrible way to feel no matter who you are or your self-image. There are people out there who claim to not be afraid of rejection but they are liars. They ate just incredibly good at hiding their fear and possible disappointment. Everyone gets that fluttery feeling in their stomach and the quickening of their heart when entering a situation like that. Some of us can just play it off a lot easier than some, mostly because we've had a lot of practice because we've put ourselves in that situation a lot.

So next time someone comes up to you when you're at a festival or a con or something like that and asks if they can spend some time with you because they're all alone, think about how hard it was for them to come up to you like that instead of being creeped out. Also, next time you're alone, try making a new friend. You never know, that person could be your next best friend.

Where I prove how smalltown I am

Everything seems beautiful to me. Maybe it was growing up where I did, but every city seems humongous and everything is beautiful. Driving to Columbus really showed me that. I was driving down the interstate (it might've been 70) and saw the lights dotting the horizon and was just...blown away. The same happened when I drove to Detroit. Architecture, horticulture, anything like that is breathtaking for me.

Driving around a city like Detroit or Columbus just really proves to me how smalltown I really am. I look around and think "wow that building is really tall." or "holy crap there are a lot of lights over there." or "oh my god, everyone is driving super fast. Pleasedeargoddon'thitme!" XD

I'm pretty sure I have deliberately pulled over just to admire the dance that cars seem to do at certain intersections or roundabouts. Everything seems to have it's own form of poetry that's just never ending.

And yes I do find nature beautiful too. However there's a certain beauty to architecture and technology that you just can't find anywhere but the large cities.

Breathtaking.

Choices

So it's been like over a month since I last did a blog post. I wanted to finish up the ACen posts but then I got lazy and now I don't remember much of Saturday. All you have to know is raves, giving some therapy talk to Ethan, Anime Punch shenanigans and the best bloody marys I have ever had in my entire life on Saturday. Sunday was just wrapping up pictures, making sure I didn't wanna buy anything else, and fuckin flat tire. Anyone reading this probably heard about that fucking ordeal so not that important to blog about. I also would like to do the boyfriend posts more but I am doing this from my iPod and I already have like half of the Chris post written on my laptop so that'll have to wait until next time. What I wanna talk about is choices.

Everyone's gotta make choices that they're not comfortable to make. Doesn't matter who you are, what kinda life you've lead, eventually you'll have a make a choice that you pray to whoever that you won't have to make. When stuck in this situation, sometimes there's an easy way or the right way and those are the most difficult. Right now I'm faced with what's good for me and what I want to do. Which I guess is an incorrect way to put it since I want to have both but I know that it is impossible. Why is it not okay to just have both? Of course that would make it easy for me and nothing ever comes easy for anyone.

I suppose I should clarify. Right now I have the choice to move to Columbus THIS MONTH and not having to wait until October. However... There is someone in Bloomington that I don't want to be far away from... and I thought we'd have a few more months together before I would be leaving that hellhole. I already know he doesn't want me to leave. I don't want to leave him either. I can't stay in that town now though. Not just because of the complacency, not because of the black hole that is that town but because of my own physical well-being.

Of course it would be easier if I could move to Indy. Indy would at least be preferable to Bloomington for the few months it would take until he could move with me but alas I don't have anyone in Indy to live with. So my choice: move to Columbus as soon as possible and finally be free of Aasbag or stay in Bloomington until October so I can spend those last few months with Dustin in terror...