Broken

I feel like we're both broken and that's why we work so well. We complement each other in less than ideal ways. I, myself, have been wronged by men in every way possible so I have someone like him who is nothing like any of the men I've had before. He's sweet and considerate and he likes to treat me like a princess and he never makes me feel like a waste of a human being.

Then there's him. His parents divorced when he was young and he had a rocky childhood. He felt like everyone had abandoned him. Now he has someone like me who loves so deeply and gets waaay too attached. I can't imagine even wanting to leave him and have contemplated putting myself in danger just to stay close to him.

We are two broken pieces. Two halves of a whole. When alone, insignificant. When put together again, something great.

Feelings

I don't know how to put into words how I'm feeling sometimes. Do you ever feel that way? There's just a certain state of being where you're not bad but you're not really good either. Contentment maybe? Complacency? It's all very neutral and I guess that's not a bad thing but we all want to feel good all the time right? I know that's not really possible cause you gotta feel bad sometimes to really appreciate the good times but this in between feeling is just... So indescribable and irritating.

I mean when someone asks you, "Hey how are you doing?" Your only response is, "I'm fine." Because if you say, "I don't know." then they'll automatically assume something's wrong when it isn't. You just literally do not know how you are feeling. If you're not good, does that mean you're bad? Is it all black and white? I feel like emotions are just all shades of grey except for fantastic and terrible.

Anyone out there have any input?

Live life to the fullest

I was told the other day by a customer, "I want you to do...everything that I wouldn't do...and enjoy the fuck out of it because I'm too scared to do it myself." I hope to never live my life that way. I hope that I'm never too afraid to do what I want. I feel like if you're living only what you're not scared of then it's just a half-life (and not in the cool video game way either) and honestly that's no way to live. There are people I know who refuse to do the things they want because they're scared or alone and don't want to do it themselves.

I've never had social anxiety so I don't really understand when someone can't just walk up to another person and be like "Hi! I'm alone today cause all of my friends are douchebags. Want to come do this awesome thing with me so I don't have to be by myself?" Admittedly, they might say no but that's about the worst that can happen. I do recognize the fear of rejection and have experienced it many times. Someone just telling you, "No I don't want to be with you/spend time with you/keep you company." is a scary thing because it makes you feel like you're not good (enough) for anyone. And that's a terrible way to feel no matter who you are or your self-image. There are people out there who claim to not be afraid of rejection but they are liars. They ate just incredibly good at hiding their fear and possible disappointment. Everyone gets that fluttery feeling in their stomach and the quickening of their heart when entering a situation like that. Some of us can just play it off a lot easier than some, mostly because we've had a lot of practice because we've put ourselves in that situation a lot.

So next time someone comes up to you when you're at a festival or a con or something like that and asks if they can spend some time with you because they're all alone, think about how hard it was for them to come up to you like that instead of being creeped out. Also, next time you're alone, try making a new friend. You never know, that person could be your next best friend.

Where I prove how smalltown I am

Everything seems beautiful to me. Maybe it was growing up where I did, but every city seems humongous and everything is beautiful. Driving to Columbus really showed me that. I was driving down the interstate (it might've been 70) and saw the lights dotting the horizon and was just...blown away. The same happened when I drove to Detroit. Architecture, horticulture, anything like that is breathtaking for me.

Driving around a city like Detroit or Columbus just really proves to me how smalltown I really am. I look around and think "wow that building is really tall." or "holy crap there are a lot of lights over there." or "oh my god, everyone is driving super fast. Pleasedeargoddon'thitme!" XD

I'm pretty sure I have deliberately pulled over just to admire the dance that cars seem to do at certain intersections or roundabouts. Everything seems to have it's own form of poetry that's just never ending.

And yes I do find nature beautiful too. However there's a certain beauty to architecture and technology that you just can't find anywhere but the large cities.

Breathtaking.

Choices

So it's been like over a month since I last did a blog post. I wanted to finish up the ACen posts but then I got lazy and now I don't remember much of Saturday. All you have to know is raves, giving some therapy talk to Ethan, Anime Punch shenanigans and the best bloody marys I have ever had in my entire life on Saturday. Sunday was just wrapping up pictures, making sure I didn't wanna buy anything else, and fuckin flat tire. Anyone reading this probably heard about that fucking ordeal so not that important to blog about. I also would like to do the boyfriend posts more but I am doing this from my iPod and I already have like half of the Chris post written on my laptop so that'll have to wait until next time. What I wanna talk about is choices.

Everyone's gotta make choices that they're not comfortable to make. Doesn't matter who you are, what kinda life you've lead, eventually you'll have a make a choice that you pray to whoever that you won't have to make. When stuck in this situation, sometimes there's an easy way or the right way and those are the most difficult. Right now I'm faced with what's good for me and what I want to do. Which I guess is an incorrect way to put it since I want to have both but I know that it is impossible. Why is it not okay to just have both? Of course that would make it easy for me and nothing ever comes easy for anyone.

I suppose I should clarify. Right now I have the choice to move to Columbus THIS MONTH and not having to wait until October. However... There is someone in Bloomington that I don't want to be far away from... and I thought we'd have a few more months together before I would be leaving that hellhole. I already know he doesn't want me to leave. I don't want to leave him either. I can't stay in that town now though. Not just because of the complacency, not because of the black hole that is that town but because of my own physical well-being.

Of course it would be easier if I could move to Indy. Indy would at least be preferable to Bloomington for the few months it would take until he could move with me but alas I don't have anyone in Indy to live with. So my choice: move to Columbus as soon as possible and finally be free of Aasbag or stay in Bloomington until October so I can spend those last few months with Dustin in terror...

ACen Friday

Okay so after not being able to go to sleep for a long time because of the symphony going on in my room, I get maybe 4 or 5 hours of sleep. Maybe? I dunno. I get dressed and we all walk to the convention center to attend opening ceremonies. The opening ceremonies at ACen do not compare to the opening ceremonies at Revoluticon. Maybe because it's not as intimate? I dunno. Meeting all the guests was cool though. Especially Vic Mignogna stroking Travis Willingham's face XD

Anyway so after opening ceremonies and a little bit of wandering around the dealer's hall, I split off from Dove and Felicity to attend a Star Trek panel with Jared, Frank and Anthony...because I am that kind of awesome. Found out that Vic Mignogna and Todd Haberkorn are going to be staring in a webseries called "Star Trek Continues" and got so super excited about it. Again because I'm that kind of awesome (also known as lame) and ya know, that requires fangirling. Vic will be Kirk and Todd will be Spock. Amazing right?!

So let's see...after that, I reconnected with Dove and Felicity I think. I can't really remember the middle of Friday because not much happened. I think we went back to the room to eat, Felicity and I ventured out again out of boredom. Ended up going to the Eyeshine concert for a little bit and they were pretty good. After that, we waited in line for like 2 fucking hours waiting for LM.C to start their concert, at which point, we were joined by Ira. While Felicity and I waited in line without Ira, we played "I Spy" and became bored with it after like 30 minutes.

Finally, we get in and LM.C is all I dreamed they'd be. The lead singer was a little douchey but all-in-all it was an awesome performance and I would gladly go see them again. Especially since they played my two favorite songs ^__^ We didn't try to push to the front, watching from afar was just fine. This is where my voice is definitely starting to go. I'd talk normal for a while then it'd just go out suddenly. The guitarist was cute, Ira and I discussed this. He flicked his pick into the crowd after the show and I almost got it but this bitch mom yanked it away from me at the last second for her like 12 year old daughter. Whatevs.

After that, I said adios to Ira and Felicity so I could meet up with Anime Punch guys. However, Mike was not responding to my texts about where he was so I wandered down to the karaoke panel that I knew was hosted by a couple of them. After a little while in there, he finally replied and I headed up to the room they were in. This is where it gets interesting. I walk in and the room is packed with people. Mike makes me a tasty drink (as always) and I step away from the table so he can help the other people. Where I step to is directly in front of another AP guy who was hosting the karaoke downstairs but had stepped away, obviously for alcohol. I remembered him from Revoluticon but it was apparent that he didn't remember me which is forgivable since there quite a bit of people besides me who were much more memorable I'm sure XD So anyway, I get to talking to him and he somehow convinces me to go back downstairs and sing something in karaoke. Despite my failing voice. I'm sure you can see where this is going.

So we get back downstairs and a duet is promised so I don't look like a total toolbag. So Norm (AP karaoke guy) takes his seat up front and as I'm about to sit in the crowd, motions for me to join him up front. So, yay, front of crowd! This isn't weird at all >__> Especially since Robert is there <__< And everyone is staring >__> Anyway, our duet is decided and it's "My Eyes" from Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog. Fantastic movie, fantastic music, fantastic song. Only, I know that I can, in no way, sing any high parts. So I tell him that he has to sing Penny's part. He declines then decides to poll the audience. Big mistake. We all know that crowds like to see you embarrass yourself and so would much rather see a man sing a woman's part. So, he lets a few people go ahead of us so he can look up Penny's lyrics. We did sing a long when someone sang "Make a Man out of You" from Mulan though because, come on. How can you not? But, eventually, our turn is up and we sing the song and my voice cracks several times through it. But the crowds applauds after we're done and we're permitted to sit back down.

After the panel, back up to the room! Norm makes me a couple tasty drinks and we just chill and talk to everyone and I get super wasted somehow. Chad ends up coming to walk me back to the hotel because I'm not sure I can walk it on my own. Since I am super wasted and found out something that deeply hurt my feelings, I end up breaking down and crying all over Chad for like 30 minutes. It was kind of pathetic. I make it to the room at approximately 6am and collapse onto the bed in full clothes, falling asleep almost instantly.

ACen Thursday

I suppose we can take a break from boyfriend troubles to talk about my favorite time of the year: ACen! I seriously look forward to this time of the year every year. After it's over, I get all sad and wish I could be back there even if there was drama, it was still amazing. I'm hoping to go to more cons this year than I have in previous years because, hey cons are awesome and I need more of this in my life.

So, on Thursday, I had prepared to wake up early so I could go and get my car checked out by Ira's uncle and we could leave early so the boys wouldn't have to wait forfreakinever in Chicago for us to get there. Because they rode the bus up there and left Indy at 9 am. Well, that didn't work out so well since I was up until like 6:30 am the night before working on cosplay. Whoops! So I wake up at like...1? Maybe? Anyway, I go smoke, call Ira and find out she's practically home already. Yay! As soon as she gets home, we head over to her uncle's shop where his boss is a total douche! Like, seriously. Anyway, I'm informed that my wallet is about to be ass-raped because there are ten thousand things wrong with my car. Thankfully, her uncle pretty much pays for the oil change, they put a little air in my tires, change out the turn signals and give my car sideburns. During this, Ira and I are cleaning out the multitude of trash that has built up in my car since I got it a year ago.

We get back to my house and Dove, Felicity, Ira and I somehow magically fit all of our stuff in my car. Like, holy crap. I realize that it was four girls in my car but holy damn. Lot of stuff. We take off! Only to return a few minutes later cause I forgot my purse >__< Then Chad demands my Lou Bega hat in return for retrieving it for me. Which is alright because it was starting to fly off of my head with the windows down anyway. So try #2 at leaving is successful and we start off! Dove's in the front and Ira and Felicity are in the back. We listen to wizard rock until we get to right before 465 in Indy which is when we pull over to get gas and snackage, Mcdonalds for me, Taco Bell for the rest of them...weirdos. Back on the road with Ira in the front! She has the special GPS so it's required for her to be in front. She switched the CD over to Skye Sweetnam and we girl out because fuck yeah Skye Sweetnam! Then woo 145 mile stretch of road! At some point, maybe 30 miles from the outskirts of Chicago, we pull into a rest stop and Dove starts driving so I get shotgun and Ira must return to the back seat. Eventually we get to the hotel and set up and shtuff. Ira takes some Nyquil and passes out. I get "Hey Saaaammy. You wouldn't happen to need to go to Wal-Mart anytime soon wouldja?" from like 2 of the boys. I'm all blarrrrg I just drove forfuckinever I don't feel like being in the car right now! Ugh! Eventually though, they won't shut up about it so I tell them if it's not too far away and if they get directions, I will take them. So Jared gets his GPS going and we all pile into my car. I would just like to point out that this was Jared, Frank, Anthony, Fargles and myself in my small car.

So, we lowride it to Wal-Mart with Frank, Fargles and Anthony squished in my backseat where the boys buy food and Jared buys me booze for giving them a ride. Yay! So after a return back inside because Anthony forgot that he wanted to look for pants for his Popo costume, we return to my car and start to go back. We get a good 10 minutes on our way back and Jared's phone dies...and Frank left his at the hotel... So what I'm telling you is: we're stuck somewhere in Chicago with no way to get back to our hotel. So Jared tells me that he remembers that the next step was to get off on 94 or whatever so we do that and start to drive on the highway. Then I see an exit for Bryn Mawr Avenue and I'm like "Hey! That road intersects River Road!" and turn off onto it. Our hotel was on River Road btw. So we take that exit and then come to an intersection. Right or left? Well to the left, it's a different road name (something with an A) than to the right (Bryn Mawr) so I'm like, "Alright, let's go right!" So we go right...all the way to the end of the road. The end of the road is in a barely lit part of town with a bus terminal and it's really creepy. So I'm like, "Okay guys...right or left?" I think we end up going left. Anyway, we wander around town a little bit before I tell them that if I don't get gas soon, we'll be stranded. So we stop at the weirdest gas station ever with the tiniest gas pumps I've ever seen and ask the gas station attendant for directions. This is how that conversation went:

Me: Hi! Do you happen to know how to get to Donald E. Stephens convention center?
Him: Uhhhh....is that by the arena?
Me: Um, I dunno. It's on River Road.
Him: Yeah! There's an arena on that road. It's right by the arena!
Me: Okay...well how do you get there from here?

Then he gave me some crap directions that had a part where it sounded like 7 minutes to me but apparently like 7 miles to Jared, who had come inside with me. So we go the way he told us. No River Road. So we stop again at some small convenience store and ask again. This guy was easier to understand and actually seemed to know what he was talking about. So we get in the car and start driving again, still lowridin btw. This guy's directions made a bit more sense but I think he thought we were talking about East River Road because that's what he directed us to. We turned left on that road like he told us and remained lost. I'm not sure how we came to find River Road. I think it was magic, myself. Anyway, we found River Road and amazingly were able to turn the right direction to get back.

Back at the hotel, we put all our crap away and prepare for sleep...I think Fargles fell asleep first. And oh boy can that boy snore! I think this was the loudest snoring of all time! Then Frank joined in for a symphony of snoring which was contributed to by others a little bit. So Jared, Ira and I, who could not sleep because of all the noise, decided we were gonna go on a walk through the hotel. So we wander. We found many many many sculptures and paintings and the like and pretended to study each one with a thoughtful eye. I believe, "It's just so...THERE!" was uttered at one point XD We found a place where they were about to have coffee so Ira stole a mug and some honey. At one point during our wandering, we ran into Ethan, Garett, Ben and Chad as they were getting off the elevator. Walked with them for about 2 seconds then were like "Hey wanna get the fuck outta the break room?" So we said bye to them. We wandered enough to find a fitness center. In our infinite wisdom, we decided to work out because hey why not? Chad stopped by to say hello before heading to the convention center. After he left, we stole some fruit that we rightfully earned from our work out and headed back upstairs.

After dropping off our thousands of oranges, we went back downstairs. Ira and I played with the hand dryers in the bathroom and put a napkin under a table thing that lifted up. Jared also hid Ira's pilfered honey under there after she went to the bathroom again. We ascewed many pictures then went back upstairs to go to bed. I believe that is the end of Thursday. Next up: Friday!