What if...

As I'm trying to fall asleep, my keyboard and stuffed animals my only bedmates, that same old song and dance of "what if" plays over and over in my head, taunting me. What if it's not really over? What if I was just being lied to so my feelings wouldn't be hurt? What if I'm being too needy? What if we do last and I want to leave this godforsaken town but he doesn't?

I try not to think of this depressing stuff but can you really control those thoughts that leak into your mind like little tendrils of smoke? How far can you get forcing yourself to think of something else before another "what if" pops into your head? "What if"s are like cockroaches... they will never die no matter how many times you think you've killed them.

Can't believe I'm doin one of these

I promise I won't do a lot of these, I'm just incredibly bored.


1. My boy side
[x] I love hoodies.
[x] I love jeans.
[x] Dogs are better than cats.
[] It’s hilarious when people get hurt.
[x] Shopping is torture
[] Sad movies suck
[x] You own a car racing game.
[x] You played with hot wheels cars as a kid.
[x] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
[x] You owned a ds, ps2, ps3, n64, or sega.
[x] You used to be obsessed with power rangers.
[x] You have watched sports on tv.
[x] Gory movies are cool.
[x] You go to your dad for advice.
[x] You Hate Drama.
[] You own like a trillion baseball caps.
[] You used to collect hockey cards.
[] Baggy sweats are cool to wear.
[x] It’s kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[x] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
[sometimes] Sports are fun.
[x] You talk with food in your mouth.
[x] You sleep with your socks on at night.
[x] You have fished at least once.

2. My girl side

[] You love to shop.
[] You wear eyeliner.
[] You wear the color pink.
[x] You go to your mom to talk.
[no] You consider cheerleading a sport. 
[] You hate wearing the color black.
[] You like going to the mall.
[] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
[] You like wearing jewelry.
[] You cried watching the notebook
[] Dresses are a big part of your wardrobe.
[] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[] You don’t like the movie star wars.
[] You are/were in gymnastics.
[] It takes you around one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up.
[x] You smile a lot more than you should.
[] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
[] You care about what you look like.
[] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[] You like wearing high heel shoes.
[x] You used to play with dolls as little kid.
[] You like putting make-up on others.
[] You like being the star of everything.

3. Appearance

[] I am shorter than 5′5″.
[x] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x] I have a tattoo.
[] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I’ve had/have braces.
[x] I’ve been told i’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than two piercings.
[x] I have/had piercings in places besides my ears.

4. Experiences

[] I’ve gotten lost in my city.
[x] I’ve seen a shooting star.
[x] I’ve wished on a shooting star.
[x] I’ve seen a meteor shower.
[x] I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[x] I’ve kicked a guy where it hurts.
[x] I’ve been to a casino.
[x] I Always Get Mistaken As Much Older Than I Actually Am.
[] I’ve been skydiving.
[x] I’ve gone skinny-dipping.
[] I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[x but i never totaled] I’ve crashed a car.
[x] I’ve been skiing.
[] I’ve been in a musical.
[x] I’ve caught a snowflake or snow on my tongue.
[] I’ve seen the northern lights.
[x] I’ve sat on a rooftop at night.
[x] I’ve played a prank on someone.
[] I’ve ridden in a taxi.
[x] I’ve seen the rocky horror picture show.
[x] I’ve eaten sushi.
[x] I’ve been snowboarding.

5. Relationships

[] I’m single.
[x] I’m in a relationship.
[] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[] I've Played With Someones Emotions On Purpose Before.
[] I’ve gotten divorced.
[welll it was more I said it when I wasn't ready to say it] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.

6. Honesty/Crime

[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out
[x] I’ve lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve ran a red light.
[x] I’ve witnessed a crime.
[x] I’ve been in a fist fight.
[] I’ve been arrested.

7. Death and suicide

[x] I’m afraid of dying.
[x] I hate funerals.
[x] I've thought about how i would die.
[x] I’ve seen someone/something dying.
[x] I've had a near death experience.
[x] Someone close to me has attempted/committed suicide.
[x] I’ve planned my own suicide before.
[] I’ve written a eulogy for myself.

8. Random

[] I can sing well.
[gonna have to do this now] Stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[] I open up to others easily.
[] My Parents Are Divorced.
[x] I watch the news.
[] I don’t kill bugs.
[x] I sing in the shower.
[noooo] I am a morning person.
[x] Ive been abused.
[] I paid for a cell phone ring tone.
[] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair.
[x] I care about grammar.
[] I have “?”’s in my screen name.
[x i probably have] I’ve copied more than 30 cd’s in a day.
[x] I bake well.
[x okay that's most colors besides green] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red, blue, black, purple, or orange.
[x] I would wear pajamas to school.
[] I like Martha stewart.
[x] I know how to shoot a gun.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes. cause they’re funny
[x] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I’ve not turned anything in and still got an a in a certain class.
[] I can’t sleep if there is a spider/cockroach in the room.
[x] I am ticklish.
[x] I love white chocolate.
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I’m good at remembering faces.
[x] I’m good at remembering names.
[x] I’m good at remembering dates.
[] I honestly have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

Kinda music review but not really...

This is kinda gonna be a music review I guess. Every once in a while, I have this random urge to listen to Vanessa Verlee. I know you’re probably thinking, “Who the hell is that?!” I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t even know her if it wasn’t for her visiting Bloomington when I was in this music “camp” in the summer after 5^th grade. I liked her then because she reminded me of my eldest sister Angie. Now, I feel such a connection with her, partially because I’ve loved that one album for more than ten years. The album I have, “Wherever My Feet are Planted” is an all acoustic album, just her and her guitar. I would love to cover “Home” but I don’t really play guitar. I already emailed her to tell her the effect she has had on my life. If she responds, I’m gonna ask her if she could provide me with the music to it so I can try to play it on my keyboard. I’m not sure how nice that is >__> I guess we’ll see? *fingers crossed*

All that is us

There are lots of things that make us different. I watch Youtube videos about sappy love stories or anime AMVs whereas you watch ones about wrestling commercials and Tim and Eric. When I want to go away, I partake in mind-altering chemicals whereas you meditate and contemplate the mysteries of the world. When we go out, you want to treat me to everything and treat me like a princess whereas I want to go explore places I know you’ve never been just so I can introduce you to something that has brought me joy before. When we talk, you let me whine to you about my dramas but if you want to talk, it’s just to talk to me about all of the insights you thought of that day. You love pretty much every food I hate.  I like to dive right in but you already want to take a few steps back. I’m a hopeless romantic and you’re just a cynic. You don’t believe in love at first sight or love at all for that matter but I do. I hate facial hair; you hate how you look without it. You like talking and I hate talking on the phone so would rather type things out. You don’t mind staying here and I want to run far away from Indiana. You’ve graduated college with two degrees; I never even finished two years. We’ve both got big dreams but you’re already on the track to yours while I’m meandering around the beginning of the trail, lost. You have no interest in Harry Potter but I love everything about it. You haven’t seen very many of the movies I’ve seen. You think most of my music is stupid even if you don’t really say anything about it. You want to know everything about me and I’m not sure I’m ready to let everything be known. You have a low standard for what qualifies as “friendship” but don’t have very many “best” friends whereas I am the exact opposite. You’re a slow and cautious driver but I drive like a maniac. You have way more faith in me than I do. You go to bed at a ridiculously early time every night and I stay up until 7 in the morning, writing blogs about all the ways I feel about things.

Despite all of these differences, I like everything about you; from your stupid insecurities to your sweet, caring nature to the fact that you never seem disappointed in me, even when you should be. You make me happy because you live 40 minutes away but that doesn’t stop you from coming to see me at the first chance you get. You call me every night, even if it’s just to ask me how my day went and to say good night. You come over if even for an hour to make me feel better if I’m sick or have been having a bad day. You encourage me to have my right to be upset but also remind me to forgive when I feel like I can handle it. You go along with my crazy ideas even if you have no idea what I’m talking about. You always know what to say to make me smile, blush or be embarrassed. I’ve only known you for a few months and you already know me more than a lot of my friends. You make funny faces at me and hold them until I look over and bust up laughing.

Because even though we have various differences, we also have a lot of similarities. I’ve discovered we’re both humongous nerds, in a good way of course. You like making people laugh and I like to laugh a lot. We both think that we suck even though we don’t. We both love cheesecake. We both love to write. We both like to think we’re right all of the time. Butt or fart jokes make both of us giggle like schoolchildren because we’re both immature. Neither of us wants kids. We both like terrible horror movies.

Dilemmas and shit

I have wanted to write novels or stories since before I can remember. I’ve always loved books and my imagination has always been in overdrive. I still have some stories I wrote when I was like 8. They didn’t make any sense but even at that time, knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life no matter what my mom said. Even now, I have so many ideas and I’ve been expanding on one because I think it’d be a story that I would read if I read a summary of it. However, I’m too nervous to share it with my friends. I fear that they will judge me because of its contents. I’m afraid that as soon as I mention that it has vampires in it, that will be the end of their interest. It won’t matter if I say, “No, it doesn’t have gay vampires like Twilight and there won’t be illogical sexing all the time like in Trueblood. In fact, the main girl character wants to kill the main boy character.” Maybe I am trying to play off the current interest in vampires. So what? Maybe I’m being ridiculous. They’re my friends, they support me in everything. They also would not tell me if they weren’t interested cause they’re my friends and they don’t want to hurt my feelings that way. I, myself, think it’s a very engaging story and there’s no stupid romantic turn around but I’m also the one writing it. Augh what to do…

I don't even know

I’ve been trying to think of something to make a blog post about but I can’t think of something to type about long enough to validate a whole post… So I decided to make one about all of those things! So, warning, there is some scrambled thinking about to happen!

The first thing I wanted to write about was on Sunday when I was down at my grandparents’ house for the Super Bowl (go Giants!) and it made me think about what all I lost by moving. I am glad we moved because I wouldn’t have all these wonderful and life-changing people in my life. However, by moving I have missed: one of my best friends getting pregnant and then finding out that she miscarried, all of the kids that live down there growing up, spending time with my grandparents who aren’t gettin any younger and basically just growing up fully with all the girls down there. Maybe I’d be less of a tomboy if I had gone through middle school with them, considering how girly they all are, but who knows? I guess I just miss how easy it all used to be and sometimes I wish I could go back and convince my parents to stay there just to see how it would’ve turned out.

Another thing I wanted to blog about was just how friggin self-conscious I am! It’s so ridiculous sometimes. I can write novels about anything but it’s so hard for me to just say a simple thing to someone I care about when I think it might not be what they want or what they expect me to say. I pretend to think I’m awesome and so great but inside I’m all, “Nyahh I’m so nervous.” How silly is that? Then there’s times when I just blurt out something and my brain has a panic attack while I wait with bated breath to see if they’ll laugh or smile or something like that.

Hmm…I feel like there was one more thing but I can’t seem to think of it right now. My brain kinda feels like it’s pressing against my skull at the moment and it’s making it hard to think. Also my ear is making a throbbing sound and it’s very distracting. It’s taken me forever just to write this much cause I keep getting interrupted by my ADD.

BLARG!

Molasses, dawdling, lackadaisical, sluggish, stagnant...

“Iceberg slow” has never been my forte.  I’m one of those “leap before you look” kinda gals. While that may have lead to a brutal, gruesome splat to the ground, that doesn’t mean that I didn’t think I was flying beforehand. I’ve thought that I was stupid but I’m not sure I’ve regretted many decisions that were made the way I make them. That being said, there’s something kind of…precious about taking it slow. I’ve realized that I don’t know much about him when it comes to the little things like his favorite color (green) or his middle name (Lynn, family name =P) or even what his parents do for a living. Can you have a “relationship” while at the same time, not knowing the small details about the person? I can’t count how many times we’ve had deep, philosophical discussions but rarely have we had the get-to-know-you kinda talks. Is that necessarily a bad thing? I can’t think that something that makes me this happy is a bad idea.