His voice

I love him like this
Voice, gravelly and low
He belts out music
The only time he's fully confident
He looks away from the road
Our eyes lock and he smirks
His expression full of innuendo
When he says the line
"in her bedroom"
My heart races
And I can't help but smile
Back at him
His voice brings something out
Something deep inside me
I could listen to him
Sing for the rest of my life
And I'm elated I get
The opportunity to do just that.

I hate our house

We live on a dead-end, extremely pot-holed street. Our neighbors all know each other and they're not people I really wanna know. I'd like to point out that I'm not being a snob about this either. Some of them do drugs, I've smelled spice when I was outside and the people across the street have had the cops called on them a couple times for domestic disputes.

The inside is equally crappy. I'll make a list.

1) It's cramped.
2) We don't have a dishwasher
3) We have one cabinet for all of our (eating) dishes and another for pots, pans, cooking gadgets (like crockpot, mixer, processer)
4) We have one bathroom that is really tiny.
5) There's no shelving (like a pantry) in the kitchen at all.
6) Most of our windows aren't properly weather sealed. The ones in the front shake when there's wind and we can feel a draft.
7) There is a train track behind our house. Literally right behind. I could probably hit the train with a rock from my back door.
8) We are not allowed to paint the walls at all.
9) We are not allowed to have any pets. Period. Not even fish.
10) Our street goes directly onto a major street that is impossible to get out of depending on the time of day.
11) The stupid plow guy always traps us in our driveway by building up snow down at the end.

Some things I like:
1) We have a great front and back yard that we don't have to mow.
2) We have two bedrooms so Lily has her own room.
3) We live in a duplex so we only share walls with one other family.
4) There's no one in the building next to us so we have the whole driveway to ourselves.
5) Our rent is only $550 a month

That's about it...

So I've been looking for weeks for somewhere better but here's the kicker, we live in a town with a major university so everything is suuuuper overpriced. So I've been pretty discouraged for a while.

Which brings me to my next point. A few months ago, I was talking to my mom about how her and dad wanna move to Florida but they can't because my younger sister is going to college here and is staying at home. So she offered to pay half of the house payment for my sister and have us move in and take the other half.

Let's look at the pros and cons.

Pros:
1) Sooooo much more space in every aspect.
2) The master bedroom which is where we'd sleep has its own bathroom.
3) Also huge yard
4) We'd have more storage both because there'd be an extra bedroom and because they have a garage.
5) Dad has offered to put a door on the stairs so my sister wouldn't walk in on us if we were walking around in our undies.
6) I grew up in this house so I know most of the neighbors and the ones I don't know, are training to be paramedics. Yeah.
7) We can paint and have pets here. In fact, my rabbit is already living here.
8) The appliances are pretty old but they all work. Plus there is a dishwasher.
9) Very quiet street that's not directly on a busy street
10) Our main babysitter would be downstairs haha
11) We wouldn't be trapped in our house

Cons:
1) We're no longer living alone.
2) We have to actually mow our yard
3) I know they've had past problems with the ventilation for their dryer
4) Stairs.
5) Bills would cost a bit more but not a whole lot.

So really, this idea seems great but I just don't know if I'd ever be able to convince Dustin to move in with my sister just because he loves living alone. I love the idea because I was ten when we moved there so all of my developmental years happened there and I have so many happy memories. Plus oh my god, all the space.

I wonder how I could convince him to do it...

He still gives me butterflies

You know that feeling of falling in love?
The head over heels, butterflies in your stomach feeling,
Everytime you see him, you can't help but smile,
Your legs are jelly, your head is reeling.

You can't wait to see him, to talk to him,
To lay your head on his chest,
To feel his arms wrap around you,
For him to take away your stress.

You think there's nothing better than this,
You hear it'll go away,
People tell you it's inevitable,
You'll get tired of him some day.

We've been together a few years, 
We're definitely past the honeymoon phase,
I hold no illusions of who he really is,
We're no longer navigating the dating maze.

But it turns out they were wrong,
I still get butterflies when I see his smile,
I still love spending time with him,
Even though we've been together a while.

Work

The idea of going back to work almost brings me to tears. I know we need it and it would be selfish of me to try to convince Dustin to let me stay home but I don't want to leave her every day. What if her first giggle happens with a baby sitter? Or when she rolls over for the first time? Or crawls? Just thinking about missing so much makes me so sad. I never thought before just how much one little person could change my whole view. I never thought I'd be the kind of girl to want to stay home with the baby while ny husband brings home the bacon but I want that!
I'm afraid that when I go back, I'll become depressed. I know I'll be sad all throughout my first shift and possibly more. I don't want my daughter to see her mother as the sad, shell of a woman I know I could become. And of course, if I bring this up to Dustin, I'm selfish. I know I am.
God I'm terrible.

My stupid brain

When they both fall asleep is about the time that my brain decides that I'm too happy and it wants to bring me down a couple pegs. I get really sad for absolutely no reason and it's baffling. It makes me wonder if I've got slight PPD or something. I miss my old life. I miss the apartment and I miss my best friends. We barely speak anymore when at one point, we used to talk everyday. I miss that one summer that Kaitlin and I (plus two losers) hung out every night. I think we went skinny dipping like at least 4 times. I miss not having any responsibility. I miss drinking and getting high and a little bit, I miss smoking. I miss not caring about my health. I love my husband and I can't imagine my life now without my daughter but I really miss who I used to be and I can feel that familiar tug inside of me that wants to run away and not look back. I want to pack up everything and move to Chicago. I want to drive and not stop until I reach the west coast. I wish I could just go.

Now, however, he has a manager job and it seems like more and more things are sinking their claws into me, anchoring me here. A part of me wishes I'd left when I had the chance because I'm not sure I'll get another now.

Rambling political nonsense

Dustin said to me yesterday, "The older you get, the more conservative you're getting." I live in probably the most liberal town in the Midwest and it's scary to think that he might be right.

I learned recently about an apartment complex that's opening up in Bloomington that would house the homeless with absolutely no responsibility on their part. Basically, they can drink and do drugs all they want and their rent and utilities will be paid for; the only thing that qualifies them is that they have to be "chronically homeless" which means they would have to have been homeless for a year or more or have had 4 episodes of homelessness in the past 3 years. Oh and they won't force them to go to treatment or anything so yeah. Maybe before I would've thought, "Oh that's nice. It'll get them off the street and perhaps it'll inspire them to better themselves." Now, all I can do is silently scream in frustration because I know that those assholes can better themselves in high barrier shelters like ours but they're just too damn lazy. I've seen it for Christ's sake! All this is gonna do is use taxpayer money to house lowlifes. This makes me want to bash my head against a wall.

Does this make me more conservative than I was? Yeah probably. However, the change in my way of thinking wasn't brought on by traditional conservative means. I'm not getting all up in arms because I feel like this is communist/socialist/whatever but it's more because I have worked with these types of people for a while now and gotten to know the different types.

I mean, when you think "homeless" do you see the guy panhandling on the street alongside the guy who works 40 hours a week? No, of course not, and I didn't either before this. However, we had a resident who worked 40 hour weeks and still couldn't afford to live on his own because his bitch of an ex-wife was sucking every last penny for child support and probably alimony. Should he pay child support? Hell yeah, he should! But is that really fair? I mean, yeah he could work two jobs to get an apartment. People do it all the time. Then he'd never actually see the kids he's paying all this money to support. That's not okay.

I've gotten way off topic here. I still identify as a liberal but I've obviously got some conservative-y thoughts permeating my brain and is that really all that terrible? I've always kind of been on the fence. When I vote, I vote Republican and Democrat. Maybe that's because I was raised in a split household.

This makes me wonder how Lily will turn out...

Whine whine blah blah

So, Dustin has this friend named Rita. Rita and Dustin used to date for like ever and they were super serious. And she dumped him and he like wanted her back for a really long time... Now, they're just friends and that's all. Best friends.

Anyway so last week, Rita wanted Dustin and I to come over and hang out and this would be the first time I would meet her. It was super awkward as expected and I was okay with leaving. Now, don't get me wrong, Rita is super nice and I can see why Dustin would think we'd be good friends or whatever. She's also really pretty. Like way prettier than me. Fuck.

So, I made it through that awkward situation only to be reminded that I had agreed to go with Dustin to Rita's father's (his name is Dan) retirement party. Dustin really looks up to Dan and said that Dan is like a second father to him. So I'm like, "Well there's gonna be a lot of people there, maybe it won't be as awkward as I'm thinking." So we get there today and at first, it's fine. Rita's family is really nice and very welcoming, doling out all kinds of congratulations and stuff. So I think I'm gonna make it through without it being too awkward even though at one point, there's Dustin, myself, Rita and Rita's best friend, Lindsay (who Dustin also had a little fling type thing with) all hangin out in one room together... yaaaaaay.

Then it comes time to leave. Goodbye to Lindsay. Goodbye to Rita. Goodbye to Rita's mom (I would tell you what her name is but honestly, I don't think I can spell it) with multiple promises to keep her updated about baby type things. Then we say goodbye to Dan, who says, "You know, I was really hoping Dustin would be my son-in-law but that didn't turn out..." Well that's a weird thing to say to me but alright, brush it off. Then we're about to leave and Dustin wants to say goodbye to Roman (Rita's brother) so we hug him and are walking back to our car and Roman says, "Dustin, you were supposed to marry my sister."

...........

Am I overreacting? Like that's not something you say to someone or their spouse. What? Maybe it's my crazy pregnancy emotions that have made me so upset about this... I don't know. It doesn't help that these people are like a second family to Dustin and so they're super important to him.

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Letter to you

Dear you,

Yeah, you know who you are. You're the one who pops into my head when I hear a cheesy love song/see a romantic movie/read a book with a lovey couple. You're the one who can make me smile with just the simplest thing. You're the one who makes me the happiest I've ever been.

You make me want to be better. You make me want to stop smoking. You make me want to go out and buy girly clothes like dresses and like fashion crap. You make me want to go back to school and get a degree. You make me want to be my best self.

You are the greatest person I have ever met.

Love,
Sammy

My Life in Seasons

Sluggin through the snow
Bundled up in coats
Hurrying to our destination
Slidin down the icy slopes

The snow is melting
We're shrugging off the heavy things
The flowers are blooming
The showers of Spring

The heat is overwhelming
Lazy days in the sun
Pants exchanged for shorts
Summer has begun

The heat is fading
The leaves are falling
Autumn is upon us
Winter is calling

Back to the snowy sludge
Always changing, always the same
Day by day, season to season
Never doubting how it came

Curves

When I'm feeling particularly down on myself about my looks (when I'm trying on clothes, when something doesn't fit anymore, when I'm naked) I usually whine to my boyfriend about how fat I am. His response is always an outright denial followed by, "you're not fat, you're curvy and I've always liked curves." I always believed him too because he is attracted to me and that would make sense. That worked until I snooped on his Facebook and found his ex girlfriends.

Names changed for secrecy sake.

Me: oh hey it's Ophelia .......she's super skinny. Well maybe it was just one of them. Wait, no, here's Desdemona and she's good looking too. Well... Fuck. I think this is the Viola I'm thinking it is and, if so, god damn it she's small too."

Soooooo... Obviously... He either really sucks at going after what he wants or he's been lying to me to make me feel better... Whyyy does this kind of hurt my feelings so much?

Before

I loved him before. Before he was the way he is now. Before he was super lovey dovey and before he was actually happy. I loved him even though he didn't "love" me. Or at least never said it.

I remember when I told him I loved him the first time. We were driving back from his parent's house and he knew something was on my mind cause I was just sitting there deep in thought. When he asked me what was wrong and I said, "Nothing, I'm fine." It wasn't a lie. I was fine. More than fine. I finally knew or realized I guess that I love the guy I am with. He didn't believe me though. He never does. He badgered me until I finally told him.

I remember being really nervous. This was a huge step and we hadn't been dating that long. My stomach was all in knots when I muttered, "Nothing is wrong. I just... I finally realized that I love you."

This didn't surprise him. I had told him that I was "falling for him" a few days earlier so he simply replied "I know. You told me that. I said I was falling for you too."

His response made me even more nervous. He didn't understand what I meant so I had to make it even more clear. Bare my heart way more than I had been. "No. Like I actually love you." I had been staring at my lap. Probably picking at my fingernails in the nervous, habity way that I do. When I said that though, I looked up at him and he was staring straight ahead looking at the road. "You don't have to say it back if you don't love me too. I just wanted you to know. I won't feel bad if you don't feel the same. I'd rather you not say it then say it and not mean it."

I believe his response was something along the lines of "Well thanks for telling me." we rode back to Bloomington in silence.

However, a few days later, as we were lying in bed (him on one side, me on the other, not touching) he rolled over. I was still awake and he had been asleep for an hour or so. He grabbed me around the waist, pulled me to him and said, "I love you." then he kissed me for a really long time.

When we came up for air, I said, "What brought that on?" and he replied "I just woke up and realized that I wanted to say it." I can't express how happy I was.

So I loved him before. Before we broke up. Before we got back together. Now... I love him even more than I did then. Maybe our break up did the same thing to me that it did to him. He loves me more and tells and shows it to me everyday and I feel the same. Maybe it just took a little bit of separation to make us realize what we didn't wanna be missing out on for the rest of our lives. I no longer feel nervous when telling him that I love him even if I do say it far too often. Probably because I know it'll always be followed with an "I love you too" no matter how many times I had said it.

Broken

I feel like we're both broken and that's why we work so well. We complement each other in less than ideal ways. I, myself, have been wronged by men in every way possible so I have someone like him who is nothing like any of the men I've had before. He's sweet and considerate and he likes to treat me like a princess and he never makes me feel like a waste of a human being.

Then there's him. His parents divorced when he was young and he had a rocky childhood. He felt like everyone had abandoned him. Now he has someone like me who loves so deeply and gets waaay too attached. I can't imagine even wanting to leave him and have contemplated putting myself in danger just to stay close to him.

We are two broken pieces. Two halves of a whole. When alone, insignificant. When put together again, something great.

Feelings

I don't know how to put into words how I'm feeling sometimes. Do you ever feel that way? There's just a certain state of being where you're not bad but you're not really good either. Contentment maybe? Complacency? It's all very neutral and I guess that's not a bad thing but we all want to feel good all the time right? I know that's not really possible cause you gotta feel bad sometimes to really appreciate the good times but this in between feeling is just... So indescribable and irritating.

I mean when someone asks you, "Hey how are you doing?" Your only response is, "I'm fine." Because if you say, "I don't know." then they'll automatically assume something's wrong when it isn't. You just literally do not know how you are feeling. If you're not good, does that mean you're bad? Is it all black and white? I feel like emotions are just all shades of grey except for fantastic and terrible.

Anyone out there have any input?

Live life to the fullest

I was told the other day by a customer, "I want you to do...everything that I wouldn't do...and enjoy the fuck out of it because I'm too scared to do it myself." I hope to never live my life that way. I hope that I'm never too afraid to do what I want. I feel like if you're living only what you're not scared of then it's just a half-life (and not in the cool video game way either) and honestly that's no way to live. There are people I know who refuse to do the things they want because they're scared or alone and don't want to do it themselves.

I've never had social anxiety so I don't really understand when someone can't just walk up to another person and be like "Hi! I'm alone today cause all of my friends are douchebags. Want to come do this awesome thing with me so I don't have to be by myself?" Admittedly, they might say no but that's about the worst that can happen. I do recognize the fear of rejection and have experienced it many times. Someone just telling you, "No I don't want to be with you/spend time with you/keep you company." is a scary thing because it makes you feel like you're not good (enough) for anyone. And that's a terrible way to feel no matter who you are or your self-image. There are people out there who claim to not be afraid of rejection but they are liars. They ate just incredibly good at hiding their fear and possible disappointment. Everyone gets that fluttery feeling in their stomach and the quickening of their heart when entering a situation like that. Some of us can just play it off a lot easier than some, mostly because we've had a lot of practice because we've put ourselves in that situation a lot.

So next time someone comes up to you when you're at a festival or a con or something like that and asks if they can spend some time with you because they're all alone, think about how hard it was for them to come up to you like that instead of being creeped out. Also, next time you're alone, try making a new friend. You never know, that person could be your next best friend.

Where I prove how smalltown I am

Everything seems beautiful to me. Maybe it was growing up where I did, but every city seems humongous and everything is beautiful. Driving to Columbus really showed me that. I was driving down the interstate (it might've been 70) and saw the lights dotting the horizon and was just...blown away. The same happened when I drove to Detroit. Architecture, horticulture, anything like that is breathtaking for me.

Driving around a city like Detroit or Columbus just really proves to me how smalltown I really am. I look around and think "wow that building is really tall." or "holy crap there are a lot of lights over there." or "oh my god, everyone is driving super fast. Pleasedeargoddon'thitme!" XD

I'm pretty sure I have deliberately pulled over just to admire the dance that cars seem to do at certain intersections or roundabouts. Everything seems to have it's own form of poetry that's just never ending.

And yes I do find nature beautiful too. However there's a certain beauty to architecture and technology that you just can't find anywhere but the large cities.

Breathtaking.

Choices

So it's been like over a month since I last did a blog post. I wanted to finish up the ACen posts but then I got lazy and now I don't remember much of Saturday. All you have to know is raves, giving some therapy talk to Ethan, Anime Punch shenanigans and the best bloody marys I have ever had in my entire life on Saturday. Sunday was just wrapping up pictures, making sure I didn't wanna buy anything else, and fuckin flat tire. Anyone reading this probably heard about that fucking ordeal so not that important to blog about. I also would like to do the boyfriend posts more but I am doing this from my iPod and I already have like half of the Chris post written on my laptop so that'll have to wait until next time. What I wanna talk about is choices.

Everyone's gotta make choices that they're not comfortable to make. Doesn't matter who you are, what kinda life you've lead, eventually you'll have a make a choice that you pray to whoever that you won't have to make. When stuck in this situation, sometimes there's an easy way or the right way and those are the most difficult. Right now I'm faced with what's good for me and what I want to do. Which I guess is an incorrect way to put it since I want to have both but I know that it is impossible. Why is it not okay to just have both? Of course that would make it easy for me and nothing ever comes easy for anyone.

I suppose I should clarify. Right now I have the choice to move to Columbus THIS MONTH and not having to wait until October. However... There is someone in Bloomington that I don't want to be far away from... and I thought we'd have a few more months together before I would be leaving that hellhole. I already know he doesn't want me to leave. I don't want to leave him either. I can't stay in that town now though. Not just because of the complacency, not because of the black hole that is that town but because of my own physical well-being.

Of course it would be easier if I could move to Indy. Indy would at least be preferable to Bloomington for the few months it would take until he could move with me but alas I don't have anyone in Indy to live with. So my choice: move to Columbus as soon as possible and finally be free of Aasbag or stay in Bloomington until October so I can spend those last few months with Dustin in terror...

ACen Friday

Okay so after not being able to go to sleep for a long time because of the symphony going on in my room, I get maybe 4 or 5 hours of sleep. Maybe? I dunno. I get dressed and we all walk to the convention center to attend opening ceremonies. The opening ceremonies at ACen do not compare to the opening ceremonies at Revoluticon. Maybe because it's not as intimate? I dunno. Meeting all the guests was cool though. Especially Vic Mignogna stroking Travis Willingham's face XD

Anyway so after opening ceremonies and a little bit of wandering around the dealer's hall, I split off from Dove and Felicity to attend a Star Trek panel with Jared, Frank and Anthony...because I am that kind of awesome. Found out that Vic Mignogna and Todd Haberkorn are going to be staring in a webseries called "Star Trek Continues" and got so super excited about it. Again because I'm that kind of awesome (also known as lame) and ya know, that requires fangirling. Vic will be Kirk and Todd will be Spock. Amazing right?!

So let's see...after that, I reconnected with Dove and Felicity I think. I can't really remember the middle of Friday because not much happened. I think we went back to the room to eat, Felicity and I ventured out again out of boredom. Ended up going to the Eyeshine concert for a little bit and they were pretty good. After that, we waited in line for like 2 fucking hours waiting for LM.C to start their concert, at which point, we were joined by Ira. While Felicity and I waited in line without Ira, we played "I Spy" and became bored with it after like 30 minutes.

Finally, we get in and LM.C is all I dreamed they'd be. The lead singer was a little douchey but all-in-all it was an awesome performance and I would gladly go see them again. Especially since they played my two favorite songs ^__^ We didn't try to push to the front, watching from afar was just fine. This is where my voice is definitely starting to go. I'd talk normal for a while then it'd just go out suddenly. The guitarist was cute, Ira and I discussed this. He flicked his pick into the crowd after the show and I almost got it but this bitch mom yanked it away from me at the last second for her like 12 year old daughter. Whatevs.

After that, I said adios to Ira and Felicity so I could meet up with Anime Punch guys. However, Mike was not responding to my texts about where he was so I wandered down to the karaoke panel that I knew was hosted by a couple of them. After a little while in there, he finally replied and I headed up to the room they were in. This is where it gets interesting. I walk in and the room is packed with people. Mike makes me a tasty drink (as always) and I step away from the table so he can help the other people. Where I step to is directly in front of another AP guy who was hosting the karaoke downstairs but had stepped away, obviously for alcohol. I remembered him from Revoluticon but it was apparent that he didn't remember me which is forgivable since there quite a bit of people besides me who were much more memorable I'm sure XD So anyway, I get to talking to him and he somehow convinces me to go back downstairs and sing something in karaoke. Despite my failing voice. I'm sure you can see where this is going.

So we get back downstairs and a duet is promised so I don't look like a total toolbag. So Norm (AP karaoke guy) takes his seat up front and as I'm about to sit in the crowd, motions for me to join him up front. So, yay, front of crowd! This isn't weird at all >__> Especially since Robert is there <__< And everyone is staring >__> Anyway, our duet is decided and it's "My Eyes" from Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog. Fantastic movie, fantastic music, fantastic song. Only, I know that I can, in no way, sing any high parts. So I tell him that he has to sing Penny's part. He declines then decides to poll the audience. Big mistake. We all know that crowds like to see you embarrass yourself and so would much rather see a man sing a woman's part. So, he lets a few people go ahead of us so he can look up Penny's lyrics. We did sing a long when someone sang "Make a Man out of You" from Mulan though because, come on. How can you not? But, eventually, our turn is up and we sing the song and my voice cracks several times through it. But the crowds applauds after we're done and we're permitted to sit back down.

After the panel, back up to the room! Norm makes me a couple tasty drinks and we just chill and talk to everyone and I get super wasted somehow. Chad ends up coming to walk me back to the hotel because I'm not sure I can walk it on my own. Since I am super wasted and found out something that deeply hurt my feelings, I end up breaking down and crying all over Chad for like 30 minutes. It was kind of pathetic. I make it to the room at approximately 6am and collapse onto the bed in full clothes, falling asleep almost instantly.

ACen Thursday

I suppose we can take a break from boyfriend troubles to talk about my favorite time of the year: ACen! I seriously look forward to this time of the year every year. After it's over, I get all sad and wish I could be back there even if there was drama, it was still amazing. I'm hoping to go to more cons this year than I have in previous years because, hey cons are awesome and I need more of this in my life.

So, on Thursday, I had prepared to wake up early so I could go and get my car checked out by Ira's uncle and we could leave early so the boys wouldn't have to wait forfreakinever in Chicago for us to get there. Because they rode the bus up there and left Indy at 9 am. Well, that didn't work out so well since I was up until like 6:30 am the night before working on cosplay. Whoops! So I wake up at like...1? Maybe? Anyway, I go smoke, call Ira and find out she's practically home already. Yay! As soon as she gets home, we head over to her uncle's shop where his boss is a total douche! Like, seriously. Anyway, I'm informed that my wallet is about to be ass-raped because there are ten thousand things wrong with my car. Thankfully, her uncle pretty much pays for the oil change, they put a little air in my tires, change out the turn signals and give my car sideburns. During this, Ira and I are cleaning out the multitude of trash that has built up in my car since I got it a year ago.

We get back to my house and Dove, Felicity, Ira and I somehow magically fit all of our stuff in my car. Like, holy crap. I realize that it was four girls in my car but holy damn. Lot of stuff. We take off! Only to return a few minutes later cause I forgot my purse >__< Then Chad demands my Lou Bega hat in return for retrieving it for me. Which is alright because it was starting to fly off of my head with the windows down anyway. So try #2 at leaving is successful and we start off! Dove's in the front and Ira and Felicity are in the back. We listen to wizard rock until we get to right before 465 in Indy which is when we pull over to get gas and snackage, Mcdonalds for me, Taco Bell for the rest of them...weirdos. Back on the road with Ira in the front! She has the special GPS so it's required for her to be in front. She switched the CD over to Skye Sweetnam and we girl out because fuck yeah Skye Sweetnam! Then woo 145 mile stretch of road! At some point, maybe 30 miles from the outskirts of Chicago, we pull into a rest stop and Dove starts driving so I get shotgun and Ira must return to the back seat. Eventually we get to the hotel and set up and shtuff. Ira takes some Nyquil and passes out. I get "Hey Saaaammy. You wouldn't happen to need to go to Wal-Mart anytime soon wouldja?" from like 2 of the boys. I'm all blarrrrg I just drove forfuckinever I don't feel like being in the car right now! Ugh! Eventually though, they won't shut up about it so I tell them if it's not too far away and if they get directions, I will take them. So Jared gets his GPS going and we all pile into my car. I would just like to point out that this was Jared, Frank, Anthony, Fargles and myself in my small car.

So, we lowride it to Wal-Mart with Frank, Fargles and Anthony squished in my backseat where the boys buy food and Jared buys me booze for giving them a ride. Yay! So after a return back inside because Anthony forgot that he wanted to look for pants for his Popo costume, we return to my car and start to go back. We get a good 10 minutes on our way back and Jared's phone dies...and Frank left his at the hotel... So what I'm telling you is: we're stuck somewhere in Chicago with no way to get back to our hotel. So Jared tells me that he remembers that the next step was to get off on 94 or whatever so we do that and start to drive on the highway. Then I see an exit for Bryn Mawr Avenue and I'm like "Hey! That road intersects River Road!" and turn off onto it. Our hotel was on River Road btw. So we take that exit and then come to an intersection. Right or left? Well to the left, it's a different road name (something with an A) than to the right (Bryn Mawr) so I'm like, "Alright, let's go right!" So we go right...all the way to the end of the road. The end of the road is in a barely lit part of town with a bus terminal and it's really creepy. So I'm like, "Okay guys...right or left?" I think we end up going left. Anyway, we wander around town a little bit before I tell them that if I don't get gas soon, we'll be stranded. So we stop at the weirdest gas station ever with the tiniest gas pumps I've ever seen and ask the gas station attendant for directions. This is how that conversation went:

Me: Hi! Do you happen to know how to get to Donald E. Stephens convention center?
Him: Uhhhh....is that by the arena?
Me: Um, I dunno. It's on River Road.
Him: Yeah! There's an arena on that road. It's right by the arena!
Me: Okay...well how do you get there from here?

Then he gave me some crap directions that had a part where it sounded like 7 minutes to me but apparently like 7 miles to Jared, who had come inside with me. So we go the way he told us. No River Road. So we stop again at some small convenience store and ask again. This guy was easier to understand and actually seemed to know what he was talking about. So we get in the car and start driving again, still lowridin btw. This guy's directions made a bit more sense but I think he thought we were talking about East River Road because that's what he directed us to. We turned left on that road like he told us and remained lost. I'm not sure how we came to find River Road. I think it was magic, myself. Anyway, we found River Road and amazingly were able to turn the right direction to get back.

Back at the hotel, we put all our crap away and prepare for sleep...I think Fargles fell asleep first. And oh boy can that boy snore! I think this was the loudest snoring of all time! Then Frank joined in for a symphony of snoring which was contributed to by others a little bit. So Jared, Ira and I, who could not sleep because of all the noise, decided we were gonna go on a walk through the hotel. So we wander. We found many many many sculptures and paintings and the like and pretended to study each one with a thoughtful eye. I believe, "It's just so...THERE!" was uttered at one point XD We found a place where they were about to have coffee so Ira stole a mug and some honey. At one point during our wandering, we ran into Ethan, Garett, Ben and Chad as they were getting off the elevator. Walked with them for about 2 seconds then were like "Hey wanna get the fuck outta the break room?" So we said bye to them. We wandered enough to find a fitness center. In our infinite wisdom, we decided to work out because hey why not? Chad stopped by to say hello before heading to the convention center. After he left, we stole some fruit that we rightfully earned from our work out and headed back upstairs.

After dropping off our thousands of oranges, we went back downstairs. Ira and I played with the hand dryers in the bathroom and put a napkin under a table thing that lifted up. Jared also hid Ira's pilfered honey under there after she went to the bathroom again. We ascewed many pictures then went back upstairs to go to bed. I believe that is the end of Thursday. Next up: Friday!

Aassbag

Aaron. Just the name scares me sometimes. Ours was a story of high school sweethearts but much younger. I met him when I lived in Spencer in the fifth grade. So that was what… uhh 2000? I think so. He lived down the road from where we lived and we rode the bus together. He fought my battles for me and made sure the other kids didn’t make fun of “the new girl.” Then I moved again. I figured I’d never see him again. Then, in the summer between 8^th and 9^th grade, I got a friend request on MySpace (gay!) and we reconnected. We hung out a lot because he would drive from Spencer to see me. Our friendship grew to a relationship in the course of a few months.

At that point, everything was great. He was attentive and took me out to eat and on dates. For my first real relationship, I thought it was perfect. Then things started to get weird. At first it was just little things like getting jealous and angry when I talked about my guy friends (of which I had many) even if it was something small and insignificant. That, though, wasn’t enough to make me worry. Since I hadn’t had a real relationship, I figured that underneath cool exteriors, all guys were that way. However, it quickly became apparent that he was not like other guys as I had first suspected.

The first time it happened, I’ll never forget. We had been having a great day. Laughing, joking, smiling…it all disappeared the instant I told him that I had hung out with my guy friends a few days before that. He asked me if I had feelings for any of them. I told him no but that was not the right answer apparently. His hand swung up and across my face before I could even react; before I even knew what was going on. I covered my face in shock, tears spilling out automatically. His face went from anger to apologetic in an instant. He told me that he was sorry and said he’d never do it again. Ever.

The second time is less memorable. All of them have blurred together that I barely remember which moment was which. Just blinding pain and the fear that struck in my gut any time another man was brought up, whether by me or by him. Always followed by an apology and a promise to never do it again. There’s a scar on my right forearm from when he swung at me with a claw thingy that you garden with, you know what I’m talking about. I have a part of my hip that can’t feel anything because we got into a car accident because he had my thigh in a death grip and I was trying to struggle free and, somehow the nerves were damaged. If bruises left scars, there’d be scars on my face, arms and legs. After the first few times when it was noticeable and he ran out of excuses for his mother, he started hitting in places that could be covered with clothes.

Now, you may be asking, “Sammy, what the fuck? Why didn’t you get out of there as quickly as possible?!” Here’s where it just gets stupid. Along with the physical, there was also emotional abuse as there usually is. He had me convinced that no one ever would love me. He was the only one who could, who ever would. I mean, who could ever love a girl like me? I’m stupid and ugly and blah blah blah. This is how it went and I believed it. So now there’s emotional scars left on my pride, my dignity and my self-esteem.

Eventually, with enough encouragement from friends, I was able to break up with him. Although, none of my friends believed that he actually existed even though they all saw the bruises. I guess since they never met him, he must not be real right? So, on top of the physical and emotional scarring, I knew I couldn’t really rely on my friends to be there for me when I needed them because they’d just think I was lying. The thing was I didn’t want him to hurt anyone. When a psychopath gets into it, I don’t care how strong you are, he’s taking you down. I loved my friends too much to let anything happen to them. Anyway, even if it meant that I’d never have love again, I broke it off. That was one of the scariest moments of my life. Of course, I hadn’t been through the next few months and years, really, yet so I had no idea.

Aaron became a constant fixture in my nightmares, which I was having nightly and still do occasionally. It is a lot easier if someone is in the bed with me, which is why I love to cuddle. I don’t have nightmares. My nightmares were not the only terror I got from him, though. He’d come to my house and visit sometimes. My room at my parents’ house was on the ground floor so all he had to do was come up on knock on the window and he knew I’d always answer. Mostly, I was scared for my family. He could so easily get to my sisters but he didn’t want them. He wanted me. So I always answered for him which ended up with me being knocked out by having my face slammed into my window pane and waking up with the window still open and dew collected in my hair and on my face at 6:30 in the morning. Still, I always answered. One of the worst moments was when he came to my house after he had just acquired a gun. I wondered how he could’ve passed any kind of test to carry a weapon but I’m sure he didn’t have a permit. That raised the stakes to an insurmountable level. I felt like I was drowning in my own terror or that nothing I could do would ever get rid of him; get him out of my life.

After that, I had a few visits from him at home or at my work when I worked at the gate house down at the lake, where he backhanded me because I was alone and he could do that, I guess. Last summer, he came to my house again after a few months of silence. I think one of the worst things about him is that he’d leave for a while and, right when I thought he was gone for good, I’d hear that knock on my window and feel the weight settling in my stomach and just know that he’d be there with that smile on his face and the “Hey Sammy baby!” ready on his lips. After last summer, though, he’s disappeared completely. One of the times I drove out to Spencer, I drove past his mom’s house, hoping to see his sister or brother or any of his family really, just to make sure they were okay. There’s another family there now. I asked them if they knew where the previous owners were and they didn’t.

I don’t know where he went or if he’s still alive really. I know it’s bad to wish death on a person but if there is anyone in this whole world I would like to see tortured to death, it’s that man. When I moved out, I knew I wouldn’t hear that knock or have to lie in bed, wondering if he’ll visit tonight until I’ve been up until 5 and I can’t keep my eyes open anymore. The thing is though, when I moved out, my youngest sister moved into my old room. Since then, I’ve had this constant panicky feeling that he might come to see me and find her there instead. The thought has haunted me for…oh I don’t even know how long. Every day that she makes it through the night, uninterrupted and not terrorized is another day that I know he’s been gone. Maybe he knows what my car looks like and deduced when it wasn’t there for several weeks in a row. One can only hope.

I’ve figured it out that he is the basis of all of my trust issues. All of my issues, really. Well, I guess it’s not only him but we won’t go into all that. Now that you know my worst, let’s continue on to Chris.

I need to have written diarrhea

Have you ever written something out just so the memories can fade and you won't have to think about it anymore? That's how I feel about my past relationships. I don't want to think about them but I can't stop because I don't think I've ever told anyone the full story mostly because no one's ever really asked... So with these next few blog entries, I'm gonna go into detail all the ups and downs of the "love" I experienced.

With this one, I'll start with the ones that I don't count because they didn't last very long. My very first boyfriend was named William Marsh and I only started dating him because my best friend, Kaela, had a huge crush on his best friend and thought that if Will and I got together, they'd have a shot. It was also partially so that I could say, "Hey I have a boyfriend!" I used to be really shallow -__- When Kaela and Will's friend broke up, our relationship didn't last long. He had nothing in common with me and frankly, I was a lot smarter than him and that made conversations with him pretty boring. Maybe that's mean to say but I don't really care. He didn't take the break up well and insulted me at every chance he got. Being who I was back in middle school, I didn't take it lightly eventually ending up with me beating him up. I was a much angrier person back then. That changed once high school hit and you'll find out why.

After Will was Jeff. We all know Jeff. We dated for a measly month to a month and a half and our physical relationship amounted to no more than hugs and holding hands. He was kind of a dick back then. We weren't even great friends or anything and so that deteriorated our relationship. I don't even remember why we broke up but I remember it had to do with him being an asshole.

Those were the couple insignificant relationships I had before my first big one. We'll cover Aaron in the next blog post.