Letter to you

Dear you,

Yeah, you know who you are. You're the one who pops into my head when I hear a cheesy love song/see a romantic movie/read a book with a lovey couple. You're the one who can make me smile with just the simplest thing. You're the one who makes me the happiest I've ever been.

You make me want to be better. You make me want to stop smoking. You make me want to go out and buy girly clothes like dresses and like fashion crap. You make me want to go back to school and get a degree. You make me want to be my best self.

You are the greatest person I have ever met.

Love,
Sammy

My Life in Seasons

Sluggin through the snow
Bundled up in coats
Hurrying to our destination
Slidin down the icy slopes

The snow is melting
We're shrugging off the heavy things
The flowers are blooming
The showers of Spring

The heat is overwhelming
Lazy days in the sun
Pants exchanged for shorts
Summer has begun

The heat is fading
The leaves are falling
Autumn is upon us
Winter is calling

Back to the snowy sludge
Always changing, always the same
Day by day, season to season
Never doubting how it came

Curves

When I'm feeling particularly down on myself about my looks (when I'm trying on clothes, when something doesn't fit anymore, when I'm naked) I usually whine to my boyfriend about how fat I am. His response is always an outright denial followed by, "you're not fat, you're curvy and I've always liked curves." I always believed him too because he is attracted to me and that would make sense. That worked until I snooped on his Facebook and found his ex girlfriends.

Names changed for secrecy sake.

Me: oh hey it's Ophelia .......she's super skinny. Well maybe it was just one of them. Wait, no, here's Desdemona and she's good looking too. Well... Fuck. I think this is the Viola I'm thinking it is and, if so, god damn it she's small too."

Soooooo... Obviously... He either really sucks at going after what he wants or he's been lying to me to make me feel better... Whyyy does this kind of hurt my feelings so much?

Before

I loved him before. Before he was the way he is now. Before he was super lovey dovey and before he was actually happy. I loved him even though he didn't "love" me. Or at least never said it.

I remember when I told him I loved him the first time. We were driving back from his parent's house and he knew something was on my mind cause I was just sitting there deep in thought. When he asked me what was wrong and I said, "Nothing, I'm fine." It wasn't a lie. I was fine. More than fine. I finally knew or realized I guess that I love the guy I am with. He didn't believe me though. He never does. He badgered me until I finally told him.

I remember being really nervous. This was a huge step and we hadn't been dating that long. My stomach was all in knots when I muttered, "Nothing is wrong. I just... I finally realized that I love you."

This didn't surprise him. I had told him that I was "falling for him" a few days earlier so he simply replied "I know. You told me that. I said I was falling for you too."

His response made me even more nervous. He didn't understand what I meant so I had to make it even more clear. Bare my heart way more than I had been. "No. Like I actually love you." I had been staring at my lap. Probably picking at my fingernails in the nervous, habity way that I do. When I said that though, I looked up at him and he was staring straight ahead looking at the road. "You don't have to say it back if you don't love me too. I just wanted you to know. I won't feel bad if you don't feel the same. I'd rather you not say it then say it and not mean it."

I believe his response was something along the lines of "Well thanks for telling me." we rode back to Bloomington in silence.

However, a few days later, as we were lying in bed (him on one side, me on the other, not touching) he rolled over. I was still awake and he had been asleep for an hour or so. He grabbed me around the waist, pulled me to him and said, "I love you." then he kissed me for a really long time.

When we came up for air, I said, "What brought that on?" and he replied "I just woke up and realized that I wanted to say it." I can't express how happy I was.

So I loved him before. Before we broke up. Before we got back together. Now... I love him even more than I did then. Maybe our break up did the same thing to me that it did to him. He loves me more and tells and shows it to me everyday and I feel the same. Maybe it just took a little bit of separation to make us realize what we didn't wanna be missing out on for the rest of our lives. I no longer feel nervous when telling him that I love him even if I do say it far too often. Probably because I know it'll always be followed with an "I love you too" no matter how many times I had said it.

Broken

I feel like we're both broken and that's why we work so well. We complement each other in less than ideal ways. I, myself, have been wronged by men in every way possible so I have someone like him who is nothing like any of the men I've had before. He's sweet and considerate and he likes to treat me like a princess and he never makes me feel like a waste of a human being.

Then there's him. His parents divorced when he was young and he had a rocky childhood. He felt like everyone had abandoned him. Now he has someone like me who loves so deeply and gets waaay too attached. I can't imagine even wanting to leave him and have contemplated putting myself in danger just to stay close to him.

We are two broken pieces. Two halves of a whole. When alone, insignificant. When put together again, something great.

Feelings

I don't know how to put into words how I'm feeling sometimes. Do you ever feel that way? There's just a certain state of being where you're not bad but you're not really good either. Contentment maybe? Complacency? It's all very neutral and I guess that's not a bad thing but we all want to feel good all the time right? I know that's not really possible cause you gotta feel bad sometimes to really appreciate the good times but this in between feeling is just... So indescribable and irritating.

I mean when someone asks you, "Hey how are you doing?" Your only response is, "I'm fine." Because if you say, "I don't know." then they'll automatically assume something's wrong when it isn't. You just literally do not know how you are feeling. If you're not good, does that mean you're bad? Is it all black and white? I feel like emotions are just all shades of grey except for fantastic and terrible.

Anyone out there have any input?

Live life to the fullest

I was told the other day by a customer, "I want you to do...everything that I wouldn't do...and enjoy the fuck out of it because I'm too scared to do it myself." I hope to never live my life that way. I hope that I'm never too afraid to do what I want. I feel like if you're living only what you're not scared of then it's just a half-life (and not in the cool video game way either) and honestly that's no way to live. There are people I know who refuse to do the things they want because they're scared or alone and don't want to do it themselves.

I've never had social anxiety so I don't really understand when someone can't just walk up to another person and be like "Hi! I'm alone today cause all of my friends are douchebags. Want to come do this awesome thing with me so I don't have to be by myself?" Admittedly, they might say no but that's about the worst that can happen. I do recognize the fear of rejection and have experienced it many times. Someone just telling you, "No I don't want to be with you/spend time with you/keep you company." is a scary thing because it makes you feel like you're not good (enough) for anyone. And that's a terrible way to feel no matter who you are or your self-image. There are people out there who claim to not be afraid of rejection but they are liars. They ate just incredibly good at hiding their fear and possible disappointment. Everyone gets that fluttery feeling in their stomach and the quickening of their heart when entering a situation like that. Some of us can just play it off a lot easier than some, mostly because we've had a lot of practice because we've put ourselves in that situation a lot.

So next time someone comes up to you when you're at a festival or a con or something like that and asks if they can spend some time with you because they're all alone, think about how hard it was for them to come up to you like that instead of being creeped out. Also, next time you're alone, try making a new friend. You never know, that person could be your next best friend.

Where I prove how smalltown I am

Everything seems beautiful to me. Maybe it was growing up where I did, but every city seems humongous and everything is beautiful. Driving to Columbus really showed me that. I was driving down the interstate (it might've been 70) and saw the lights dotting the horizon and was just...blown away. The same happened when I drove to Detroit. Architecture, horticulture, anything like that is breathtaking for me.

Driving around a city like Detroit or Columbus just really proves to me how smalltown I really am. I look around and think "wow that building is really tall." or "holy crap there are a lot of lights over there." or "oh my god, everyone is driving super fast. Pleasedeargoddon'thitme!" XD

I'm pretty sure I have deliberately pulled over just to admire the dance that cars seem to do at certain intersections or roundabouts. Everything seems to have it's own form of poetry that's just never ending.

And yes I do find nature beautiful too. However there's a certain beauty to architecture and technology that you just can't find anywhere but the large cities.

Breathtaking.

Choices

So it's been like over a month since I last did a blog post. I wanted to finish up the ACen posts but then I got lazy and now I don't remember much of Saturday. All you have to know is raves, giving some therapy talk to Ethan, Anime Punch shenanigans and the best bloody marys I have ever had in my entire life on Saturday. Sunday was just wrapping up pictures, making sure I didn't wanna buy anything else, and fuckin flat tire. Anyone reading this probably heard about that fucking ordeal so not that important to blog about. I also would like to do the boyfriend posts more but I am doing this from my iPod and I already have like half of the Chris post written on my laptop so that'll have to wait until next time. What I wanna talk about is choices.

Everyone's gotta make choices that they're not comfortable to make. Doesn't matter who you are, what kinda life you've lead, eventually you'll have a make a choice that you pray to whoever that you won't have to make. When stuck in this situation, sometimes there's an easy way or the right way and those are the most difficult. Right now I'm faced with what's good for me and what I want to do. Which I guess is an incorrect way to put it since I want to have both but I know that it is impossible. Why is it not okay to just have both? Of course that would make it easy for me and nothing ever comes easy for anyone.

I suppose I should clarify. Right now I have the choice to move to Columbus THIS MONTH and not having to wait until October. However... There is someone in Bloomington that I don't want to be far away from... and I thought we'd have a few more months together before I would be leaving that hellhole. I already know he doesn't want me to leave. I don't want to leave him either. I can't stay in that town now though. Not just because of the complacency, not because of the black hole that is that town but because of my own physical well-being.

Of course it would be easier if I could move to Indy. Indy would at least be preferable to Bloomington for the few months it would take until he could move with me but alas I don't have anyone in Indy to live with. So my choice: move to Columbus as soon as possible and finally be free of Aasbag or stay in Bloomington until October so I can spend those last few months with Dustin in terror...

ACen Friday

Okay so after not being able to go to sleep for a long time because of the symphony going on in my room, I get maybe 4 or 5 hours of sleep. Maybe? I dunno. I get dressed and we all walk to the convention center to attend opening ceremonies. The opening ceremonies at ACen do not compare to the opening ceremonies at Revoluticon. Maybe because it's not as intimate? I dunno. Meeting all the guests was cool though. Especially Vic Mignogna stroking Travis Willingham's face XD

Anyway so after opening ceremonies and a little bit of wandering around the dealer's hall, I split off from Dove and Felicity to attend a Star Trek panel with Jared, Frank and Anthony...because I am that kind of awesome. Found out that Vic Mignogna and Todd Haberkorn are going to be staring in a webseries called "Star Trek Continues" and got so super excited about it. Again because I'm that kind of awesome (also known as lame) and ya know, that requires fangirling. Vic will be Kirk and Todd will be Spock. Amazing right?!

So let's see...after that, I reconnected with Dove and Felicity I think. I can't really remember the middle of Friday because not much happened. I think we went back to the room to eat, Felicity and I ventured out again out of boredom. Ended up going to the Eyeshine concert for a little bit and they were pretty good. After that, we waited in line for like 2 fucking hours waiting for LM.C to start their concert, at which point, we were joined by Ira. While Felicity and I waited in line without Ira, we played "I Spy" and became bored with it after like 30 minutes.

Finally, we get in and LM.C is all I dreamed they'd be. The lead singer was a little douchey but all-in-all it was an awesome performance and I would gladly go see them again. Especially since they played my two favorite songs ^__^ We didn't try to push to the front, watching from afar was just fine. This is where my voice is definitely starting to go. I'd talk normal for a while then it'd just go out suddenly. The guitarist was cute, Ira and I discussed this. He flicked his pick into the crowd after the show and I almost got it but this bitch mom yanked it away from me at the last second for her like 12 year old daughter. Whatevs.

After that, I said adios to Ira and Felicity so I could meet up with Anime Punch guys. However, Mike was not responding to my texts about where he was so I wandered down to the karaoke panel that I knew was hosted by a couple of them. After a little while in there, he finally replied and I headed up to the room they were in. This is where it gets interesting. I walk in and the room is packed with people. Mike makes me a tasty drink (as always) and I step away from the table so he can help the other people. Where I step to is directly in front of another AP guy who was hosting the karaoke downstairs but had stepped away, obviously for alcohol. I remembered him from Revoluticon but it was apparent that he didn't remember me which is forgivable since there quite a bit of people besides me who were much more memorable I'm sure XD So anyway, I get to talking to him and he somehow convinces me to go back downstairs and sing something in karaoke. Despite my failing voice. I'm sure you can see where this is going.

So we get back downstairs and a duet is promised so I don't look like a total toolbag. So Norm (AP karaoke guy) takes his seat up front and as I'm about to sit in the crowd, motions for me to join him up front. So, yay, front of crowd! This isn't weird at all >__> Especially since Robert is there <__< And everyone is staring >__> Anyway, our duet is decided and it's "My Eyes" from Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog. Fantastic movie, fantastic music, fantastic song. Only, I know that I can, in no way, sing any high parts. So I tell him that he has to sing Penny's part. He declines then decides to poll the audience. Big mistake. We all know that crowds like to see you embarrass yourself and so would much rather see a man sing a woman's part. So, he lets a few people go ahead of us so he can look up Penny's lyrics. We did sing a long when someone sang "Make a Man out of You" from Mulan though because, come on. How can you not? But, eventually, our turn is up and we sing the song and my voice cracks several times through it. But the crowds applauds after we're done and we're permitted to sit back down.

After the panel, back up to the room! Norm makes me a couple tasty drinks and we just chill and talk to everyone and I get super wasted somehow. Chad ends up coming to walk me back to the hotel because I'm not sure I can walk it on my own. Since I am super wasted and found out something that deeply hurt my feelings, I end up breaking down and crying all over Chad for like 30 minutes. It was kind of pathetic. I make it to the room at approximately 6am and collapse onto the bed in full clothes, falling asleep almost instantly.

ACen Thursday

I suppose we can take a break from boyfriend troubles to talk about my favorite time of the year: ACen! I seriously look forward to this time of the year every year. After it's over, I get all sad and wish I could be back there even if there was drama, it was still amazing. I'm hoping to go to more cons this year than I have in previous years because, hey cons are awesome and I need more of this in my life.

So, on Thursday, I had prepared to wake up early so I could go and get my car checked out by Ira's uncle and we could leave early so the boys wouldn't have to wait forfreakinever in Chicago for us to get there. Because they rode the bus up there and left Indy at 9 am. Well, that didn't work out so well since I was up until like 6:30 am the night before working on cosplay. Whoops! So I wake up at like...1? Maybe? Anyway, I go smoke, call Ira and find out she's practically home already. Yay! As soon as she gets home, we head over to her uncle's shop where his boss is a total douche! Like, seriously. Anyway, I'm informed that my wallet is about to be ass-raped because there are ten thousand things wrong with my car. Thankfully, her uncle pretty much pays for the oil change, they put a little air in my tires, change out the turn signals and give my car sideburns. During this, Ira and I are cleaning out the multitude of trash that has built up in my car since I got it a year ago.

We get back to my house and Dove, Felicity, Ira and I somehow magically fit all of our stuff in my car. Like, holy crap. I realize that it was four girls in my car but holy damn. Lot of stuff. We take off! Only to return a few minutes later cause I forgot my purse >__< Then Chad demands my Lou Bega hat in return for retrieving it for me. Which is alright because it was starting to fly off of my head with the windows down anyway. So try #2 at leaving is successful and we start off! Dove's in the front and Ira and Felicity are in the back. We listen to wizard rock until we get to right before 465 in Indy which is when we pull over to get gas and snackage, Mcdonalds for me, Taco Bell for the rest of them...weirdos. Back on the road with Ira in the front! She has the special GPS so it's required for her to be in front. She switched the CD over to Skye Sweetnam and we girl out because fuck yeah Skye Sweetnam! Then woo 145 mile stretch of road! At some point, maybe 30 miles from the outskirts of Chicago, we pull into a rest stop and Dove starts driving so I get shotgun and Ira must return to the back seat. Eventually we get to the hotel and set up and shtuff. Ira takes some Nyquil and passes out. I get "Hey Saaaammy. You wouldn't happen to need to go to Wal-Mart anytime soon wouldja?" from like 2 of the boys. I'm all blarrrrg I just drove forfuckinever I don't feel like being in the car right now! Ugh! Eventually though, they won't shut up about it so I tell them if it's not too far away and if they get directions, I will take them. So Jared gets his GPS going and we all pile into my car. I would just like to point out that this was Jared, Frank, Anthony, Fargles and myself in my small car.

So, we lowride it to Wal-Mart with Frank, Fargles and Anthony squished in my backseat where the boys buy food and Jared buys me booze for giving them a ride. Yay! So after a return back inside because Anthony forgot that he wanted to look for pants for his Popo costume, we return to my car and start to go back. We get a good 10 minutes on our way back and Jared's phone dies...and Frank left his at the hotel... So what I'm telling you is: we're stuck somewhere in Chicago with no way to get back to our hotel. So Jared tells me that he remembers that the next step was to get off on 94 or whatever so we do that and start to drive on the highway. Then I see an exit for Bryn Mawr Avenue and I'm like "Hey! That road intersects River Road!" and turn off onto it. Our hotel was on River Road btw. So we take that exit and then come to an intersection. Right or left? Well to the left, it's a different road name (something with an A) than to the right (Bryn Mawr) so I'm like, "Alright, let's go right!" So we go right...all the way to the end of the road. The end of the road is in a barely lit part of town with a bus terminal and it's really creepy. So I'm like, "Okay guys...right or left?" I think we end up going left. Anyway, we wander around town a little bit before I tell them that if I don't get gas soon, we'll be stranded. So we stop at the weirdest gas station ever with the tiniest gas pumps I've ever seen and ask the gas station attendant for directions. This is how that conversation went:

Me: Hi! Do you happen to know how to get to Donald E. Stephens convention center?
Him: Uhhhh....is that by the arena?
Me: Um, I dunno. It's on River Road.
Him: Yeah! There's an arena on that road. It's right by the arena!
Me: Okay...well how do you get there from here?

Then he gave me some crap directions that had a part where it sounded like 7 minutes to me but apparently like 7 miles to Jared, who had come inside with me. So we go the way he told us. No River Road. So we stop again at some small convenience store and ask again. This guy was easier to understand and actually seemed to know what he was talking about. So we get in the car and start driving again, still lowridin btw. This guy's directions made a bit more sense but I think he thought we were talking about East River Road because that's what he directed us to. We turned left on that road like he told us and remained lost. I'm not sure how we came to find River Road. I think it was magic, myself. Anyway, we found River Road and amazingly were able to turn the right direction to get back.

Back at the hotel, we put all our crap away and prepare for sleep...I think Fargles fell asleep first. And oh boy can that boy snore! I think this was the loudest snoring of all time! Then Frank joined in for a symphony of snoring which was contributed to by others a little bit. So Jared, Ira and I, who could not sleep because of all the noise, decided we were gonna go on a walk through the hotel. So we wander. We found many many many sculptures and paintings and the like and pretended to study each one with a thoughtful eye. I believe, "It's just so...THERE!" was uttered at one point XD We found a place where they were about to have coffee so Ira stole a mug and some honey. At one point during our wandering, we ran into Ethan, Garett, Ben and Chad as they were getting off the elevator. Walked with them for about 2 seconds then were like "Hey wanna get the fuck outta the break room?" So we said bye to them. We wandered enough to find a fitness center. In our infinite wisdom, we decided to work out because hey why not? Chad stopped by to say hello before heading to the convention center. After he left, we stole some fruit that we rightfully earned from our work out and headed back upstairs.

After dropping off our thousands of oranges, we went back downstairs. Ira and I played with the hand dryers in the bathroom and put a napkin under a table thing that lifted up. Jared also hid Ira's pilfered honey under there after she went to the bathroom again. We ascewed many pictures then went back upstairs to go to bed. I believe that is the end of Thursday. Next up: Friday!

Aassbag

Aaron. Just the name scares me sometimes. Ours was a story of high school sweethearts but much younger. I met him when I lived in Spencer in the fifth grade. So that was what… uhh 2000? I think so. He lived down the road from where we lived and we rode the bus together. He fought my battles for me and made sure the other kids didn’t make fun of “the new girl.” Then I moved again. I figured I’d never see him again. Then, in the summer between 8^th and 9^th grade, I got a friend request on MySpace (gay!) and we reconnected. We hung out a lot because he would drive from Spencer to see me. Our friendship grew to a relationship in the course of a few months.

At that point, everything was great. He was attentive and took me out to eat and on dates. For my first real relationship, I thought it was perfect. Then things started to get weird. At first it was just little things like getting jealous and angry when I talked about my guy friends (of which I had many) even if it was something small and insignificant. That, though, wasn’t enough to make me worry. Since I hadn’t had a real relationship, I figured that underneath cool exteriors, all guys were that way. However, it quickly became apparent that he was not like other guys as I had first suspected.

The first time it happened, I’ll never forget. We had been having a great day. Laughing, joking, smiling…it all disappeared the instant I told him that I had hung out with my guy friends a few days before that. He asked me if I had feelings for any of them. I told him no but that was not the right answer apparently. His hand swung up and across my face before I could even react; before I even knew what was going on. I covered my face in shock, tears spilling out automatically. His face went from anger to apologetic in an instant. He told me that he was sorry and said he’d never do it again. Ever.

The second time is less memorable. All of them have blurred together that I barely remember which moment was which. Just blinding pain and the fear that struck in my gut any time another man was brought up, whether by me or by him. Always followed by an apology and a promise to never do it again. There’s a scar on my right forearm from when he swung at me with a claw thingy that you garden with, you know what I’m talking about. I have a part of my hip that can’t feel anything because we got into a car accident because he had my thigh in a death grip and I was trying to struggle free and, somehow the nerves were damaged. If bruises left scars, there’d be scars on my face, arms and legs. After the first few times when it was noticeable and he ran out of excuses for his mother, he started hitting in places that could be covered with clothes.

Now, you may be asking, “Sammy, what the fuck? Why didn’t you get out of there as quickly as possible?!” Here’s where it just gets stupid. Along with the physical, there was also emotional abuse as there usually is. He had me convinced that no one ever would love me. He was the only one who could, who ever would. I mean, who could ever love a girl like me? I’m stupid and ugly and blah blah blah. This is how it went and I believed it. So now there’s emotional scars left on my pride, my dignity and my self-esteem.

Eventually, with enough encouragement from friends, I was able to break up with him. Although, none of my friends believed that he actually existed even though they all saw the bruises. I guess since they never met him, he must not be real right? So, on top of the physical and emotional scarring, I knew I couldn’t really rely on my friends to be there for me when I needed them because they’d just think I was lying. The thing was I didn’t want him to hurt anyone. When a psychopath gets into it, I don’t care how strong you are, he’s taking you down. I loved my friends too much to let anything happen to them. Anyway, even if it meant that I’d never have love again, I broke it off. That was one of the scariest moments of my life. Of course, I hadn’t been through the next few months and years, really, yet so I had no idea.

Aaron became a constant fixture in my nightmares, which I was having nightly and still do occasionally. It is a lot easier if someone is in the bed with me, which is why I love to cuddle. I don’t have nightmares. My nightmares were not the only terror I got from him, though. He’d come to my house and visit sometimes. My room at my parents’ house was on the ground floor so all he had to do was come up on knock on the window and he knew I’d always answer. Mostly, I was scared for my family. He could so easily get to my sisters but he didn’t want them. He wanted me. So I always answered for him which ended up with me being knocked out by having my face slammed into my window pane and waking up with the window still open and dew collected in my hair and on my face at 6:30 in the morning. Still, I always answered. One of the worst moments was when he came to my house after he had just acquired a gun. I wondered how he could’ve passed any kind of test to carry a weapon but I’m sure he didn’t have a permit. That raised the stakes to an insurmountable level. I felt like I was drowning in my own terror or that nothing I could do would ever get rid of him; get him out of my life.

After that, I had a few visits from him at home or at my work when I worked at the gate house down at the lake, where he backhanded me because I was alone and he could do that, I guess. Last summer, he came to my house again after a few months of silence. I think one of the worst things about him is that he’d leave for a while and, right when I thought he was gone for good, I’d hear that knock on my window and feel the weight settling in my stomach and just know that he’d be there with that smile on his face and the “Hey Sammy baby!” ready on his lips. After last summer, though, he’s disappeared completely. One of the times I drove out to Spencer, I drove past his mom’s house, hoping to see his sister or brother or any of his family really, just to make sure they were okay. There’s another family there now. I asked them if they knew where the previous owners were and they didn’t.

I don’t know where he went or if he’s still alive really. I know it’s bad to wish death on a person but if there is anyone in this whole world I would like to see tortured to death, it’s that man. When I moved out, I knew I wouldn’t hear that knock or have to lie in bed, wondering if he’ll visit tonight until I’ve been up until 5 and I can’t keep my eyes open anymore. The thing is though, when I moved out, my youngest sister moved into my old room. Since then, I’ve had this constant panicky feeling that he might come to see me and find her there instead. The thought has haunted me for…oh I don’t even know how long. Every day that she makes it through the night, uninterrupted and not terrorized is another day that I know he’s been gone. Maybe he knows what my car looks like and deduced when it wasn’t there for several weeks in a row. One can only hope.

I’ve figured it out that he is the basis of all of my trust issues. All of my issues, really. Well, I guess it’s not only him but we won’t go into all that. Now that you know my worst, let’s continue on to Chris.

I need to have written diarrhea

Have you ever written something out just so the memories can fade and you won't have to think about it anymore? That's how I feel about my past relationships. I don't want to think about them but I can't stop because I don't think I've ever told anyone the full story mostly because no one's ever really asked... So with these next few blog entries, I'm gonna go into detail all the ups and downs of the "love" I experienced.

With this one, I'll start with the ones that I don't count because they didn't last very long. My very first boyfriend was named William Marsh and I only started dating him because my best friend, Kaela, had a huge crush on his best friend and thought that if Will and I got together, they'd have a shot. It was also partially so that I could say, "Hey I have a boyfriend!" I used to be really shallow -__- When Kaela and Will's friend broke up, our relationship didn't last long. He had nothing in common with me and frankly, I was a lot smarter than him and that made conversations with him pretty boring. Maybe that's mean to say but I don't really care. He didn't take the break up well and insulted me at every chance he got. Being who I was back in middle school, I didn't take it lightly eventually ending up with me beating him up. I was a much angrier person back then. That changed once high school hit and you'll find out why.

After Will was Jeff. We all know Jeff. We dated for a measly month to a month and a half and our physical relationship amounted to no more than hugs and holding hands. He was kind of a dick back then. We weren't even great friends or anything and so that deteriorated our relationship. I don't even remember why we broke up but I remember it had to do with him being an asshole.

Those were the couple insignificant relationships I had before my first big one. We'll cover Aaron in the next blog post.

In a nutshell, I am stupid

Okay let me set the scene for you. We're at Sam's doing Nerf wars and it's probably midnight or something. It's Danny, Derrick, Courtney, Sam, Dustin and myself and we're doing a free-for-all type of thing. Danny and Courtney are already out of the game and I'm hiding in the corner made by the couch and the wall. Dustin comes around the corner and I don't know if I shot him a bunch or if I just got a headshot but I got him out. Then, while he's telling Danny how I got him out, I start reloading and say jokingly, "Love you, babe."

Before I'm even finished saying it, I already know it's a mistake. I didn't mean to say it. Hell I don't even know if I meant it, it just slipped out. He didn't say anything so I'm not even sure if he heard what I said considering immediately after I said it, I asked about the remaining people in the round. He didn't say anything about it for the rest of the night and didn't seem to be bothered at all so I dunno...

I've always been kinda loose with the "love" word in the first place. I tell a lot of people I love them and I truly do. I just know that that is a kinda sore spot with him. I'm pretty sure he doesn't even believe in love. I just don't know to apologize if I don't even know if he heard it. Just be like, "Hey so if you heard me tell you that I love you, it was totally an accident." I can only imagine any one of his possible reactions. "You told me that you LOVE me? What the fuck?!" or "Okay...I think we need to take a break, you're kinda freakin me out." ughhh

Camaros

It has been decided. I am in love with powerful cars. Angie's boyfriend/fiancé Chris just took us for a ride in his Camaro. Just imagine the pure power of the V8 engine pushing the blood through your veins, making your heart race and a smile spread across your face. Every time he shifts gears, your heart skips a beat and your nerves tingle. It was amazing taking hairpin curves at 60, 70, 80 miles an hour, feeling like you were gonna slide off the road at any moment but never actually doing it. I'm pretty sure we drifted at one point. All in all, it was an awesome time.

A bit belated but whatever

I sit here at a funeral for a woman I barely knew. I'm not sure what emotion to convey: grief, indifference, a willingness to talk to people? I don't know. This isn't really a social situation anyway. This isn't a chance to catch up and talk about your school/career. I don't know how to act when I'm in this kind of situation. There are many people here I know but fear to talk in case I say the wrong thing. What am I supposed to say when they ask, "What was your favorite thing about Jude?" How am I to answer that when I barely remember anything about her? Should I default to the, "She was such a vibrant person who always made everyone happy."? I feel nothing at first except for a nervousness that I won't act or feel correctly. Anyone who comes up i just wanna say, "I don't wanna play the pretend everything's okay so let's catch up game. Move on to someone else." I just hope my short, conversation killer answers are enough to make them give up. I mean there are people I haven't seen in years but I just lost all socializing desires as soon as I entered this funeral home. I may joke about or watch movies about death but when you're immersed in such tangible grief, you find that death isn't as funny as you used to think. Then I see her daughter, the reason I'm even here. She's standing at the front, looking at the pictures of her mom. I sidle up as she's reading her mom's favorite poem and put a hand on her shoulder. She finishes reading and scoffs, saying, "that's just like her" before turning to me to ask how I am. I'm dumbstruck. For her, of all people, to ask me how I'm doing when in the midst of all this grief, is just amazing. After I tell her that I've been fine, give her a hug and offer my condolences, I return to my seat. After I've had enough of the tension in the room, I head outside where half of the guests are catching up since it's so nice and not crowded outside.

Then I see him. The man who made my childhood a living hell. That man (let's call him...Harvey Dent) tries to talk to me but Melissa pulls me away just as he's about to hug me. I feel my heart pounding and my hands shaking but I don't let him see what a mess he has made me in the few minutes since I made eye contact with him. I'm sure he saw the fear in my eyes that still resides in the very memory of him. After the short encounter, I scurry back to the safety of my seat next to my mother, who has returned from socializing and rest my head on her shoulder.

Then the service starts. It's lovely. It's exactly what I want when I die. Jude was cremated so there was no body. Instead, they had a few poster boards that were made and a slide show. The whole service was just an open forum for anyone to come up and share a story about her that they just wanted to get off their chest. There were many touching stories but also funny ones. Laughter is always welcome at my funeral. I would want my friends and family to reminisce about all the good times we had. Jude had obviously enriched many lives in her short time on this earth so I hope to be the same.

R.I.P. Jude Gater

What if...

As I'm trying to fall asleep, my keyboard and stuffed animals my only bedmates, that same old song and dance of "what if" plays over and over in my head, taunting me. What if it's not really over? What if I was just being lied to so my feelings wouldn't be hurt? What if I'm being too needy? What if we do last and I want to leave this godforsaken town but he doesn't?

I try not to think of this depressing stuff but can you really control those thoughts that leak into your mind like little tendrils of smoke? How far can you get forcing yourself to think of something else before another "what if" pops into your head? "What if"s are like cockroaches... they will never die no matter how many times you think you've killed them.

Can't believe I'm doin one of these

I promise I won't do a lot of these, I'm just incredibly bored.


1. My boy side
[x] I love hoodies.
[x] I love jeans.
[x] Dogs are better than cats.
[] It’s hilarious when people get hurt.
[x] Shopping is torture
[] Sad movies suck
[x] You own a car racing game.
[x] You played with hot wheels cars as a kid.
[x] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
[x] You owned a ds, ps2, ps3, n64, or sega.
[x] You used to be obsessed with power rangers.
[x] You have watched sports on tv.
[x] Gory movies are cool.
[x] You go to your dad for advice.
[x] You Hate Drama.
[] You own like a trillion baseball caps.
[] You used to collect hockey cards.
[] Baggy sweats are cool to wear.
[x] It’s kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[x] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
[sometimes] Sports are fun.
[x] You talk with food in your mouth.
[x] You sleep with your socks on at night.
[x] You have fished at least once.

2. My girl side

[] You love to shop.
[] You wear eyeliner.
[] You wear the color pink.
[x] You go to your mom to talk.
[no] You consider cheerleading a sport. 
[] You hate wearing the color black.
[] You like going to the mall.
[] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures.
[] You like wearing jewelry.
[] You cried watching the notebook
[] Dresses are a big part of your wardrobe.
[] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[] You don’t like the movie star wars.
[] You are/were in gymnastics.
[] It takes you around one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up.
[x] You smile a lot more than you should.
[] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
[] You care about what you look like.
[] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[] You like wearing high heel shoes.
[x] You used to play with dolls as little kid.
[] You like putting make-up on others.
[] You like being the star of everything.

3. Appearance

[] I am shorter than 5′5″.
[x] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.
[x] I have a tattoo.
[] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I’ve had/have braces.
[x] I’ve been told i’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than two piercings.
[x] I have/had piercings in places besides my ears.

4. Experiences

[] I’ve gotten lost in my city.
[x] I’ve seen a shooting star.
[x] I’ve wished on a shooting star.
[x] I’ve seen a meteor shower.
[x] I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[x] I’ve kicked a guy where it hurts.
[x] I’ve been to a casino.
[x] I Always Get Mistaken As Much Older Than I Actually Am.
[] I’ve been skydiving.
[x] I’ve gone skinny-dipping.
[] I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[x but i never totaled] I’ve crashed a car.
[x] I’ve been skiing.
[] I’ve been in a musical.
[x] I’ve caught a snowflake or snow on my tongue.
[] I’ve seen the northern lights.
[x] I’ve sat on a rooftop at night.
[x] I’ve played a prank on someone.
[] I’ve ridden in a taxi.
[x] I’ve seen the rocky horror picture show.
[x] I’ve eaten sushi.
[x] I’ve been snowboarding.

5. Relationships

[] I’m single.
[x] I’m in a relationship.
[] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[] I've Played With Someones Emotions On Purpose Before.
[] I’ve gotten divorced.
[welll it was more I said it when I wasn't ready to say it] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.

6. Honesty/Crime

[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out
[x] I’ve lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve ran a red light.
[x] I’ve witnessed a crime.
[x] I’ve been in a fist fight.
[] I’ve been arrested.

7. Death and suicide

[x] I’m afraid of dying.
[x] I hate funerals.
[x] I've thought about how i would die.
[x] I’ve seen someone/something dying.
[x] I've had a near death experience.
[x] Someone close to me has attempted/committed suicide.
[x] I’ve planned my own suicide before.
[] I’ve written a eulogy for myself.

8. Random

[] I can sing well.
[gonna have to do this now] Stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[] I open up to others easily.
[] My Parents Are Divorced.
[x] I watch the news.
[] I don’t kill bugs.
[x] I sing in the shower.
[noooo] I am a morning person.
[x] Ive been abused.
[] I paid for a cell phone ring tone.
[] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair.
[x] I care about grammar.
[] I have “?”’s in my screen name.
[x i probably have] I’ve copied more than 30 cd’s in a day.
[x] I bake well.
[x okay that's most colors besides green] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red, blue, black, purple, or orange.
[x] I would wear pajamas to school.
[] I like Martha stewart.
[x] I know how to shoot a gun.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes. cause they’re funny
[x] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I’ve not turned anything in and still got an a in a certain class.
[] I can’t sleep if there is a spider/cockroach in the room.
[x] I am ticklish.
[x] I love white chocolate.
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I’m good at remembering faces.
[x] I’m good at remembering names.
[x] I’m good at remembering dates.
[] I honestly have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

Kinda music review but not really...

This is kinda gonna be a music review I guess. Every once in a while, I have this random urge to listen to Vanessa Verlee. I know you’re probably thinking, “Who the hell is that?!” I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t even know her if it wasn’t for her visiting Bloomington when I was in this music “camp” in the summer after 5^th grade. I liked her then because she reminded me of my eldest sister Angie. Now, I feel such a connection with her, partially because I’ve loved that one album for more than ten years. The album I have, “Wherever My Feet are Planted” is an all acoustic album, just her and her guitar. I would love to cover “Home” but I don’t really play guitar. I already emailed her to tell her the effect she has had on my life. If she responds, I’m gonna ask her if she could provide me with the music to it so I can try to play it on my keyboard. I’m not sure how nice that is >__> I guess we’ll see? *fingers crossed*

All that is us

There are lots of things that make us different. I watch Youtube videos about sappy love stories or anime AMVs whereas you watch ones about wrestling commercials and Tim and Eric. When I want to go away, I partake in mind-altering chemicals whereas you meditate and contemplate the mysteries of the world. When we go out, you want to treat me to everything and treat me like a princess whereas I want to go explore places I know you’ve never been just so I can introduce you to something that has brought me joy before. When we talk, you let me whine to you about my dramas but if you want to talk, it’s just to talk to me about all of the insights you thought of that day. You love pretty much every food I hate.  I like to dive right in but you already want to take a few steps back. I’m a hopeless romantic and you’re just a cynic. You don’t believe in love at first sight or love at all for that matter but I do. I hate facial hair; you hate how you look without it. You like talking and I hate talking on the phone so would rather type things out. You don’t mind staying here and I want to run far away from Indiana. You’ve graduated college with two degrees; I never even finished two years. We’ve both got big dreams but you’re already on the track to yours while I’m meandering around the beginning of the trail, lost. You have no interest in Harry Potter but I love everything about it. You haven’t seen very many of the movies I’ve seen. You think most of my music is stupid even if you don’t really say anything about it. You want to know everything about me and I’m not sure I’m ready to let everything be known. You have a low standard for what qualifies as “friendship” but don’t have very many “best” friends whereas I am the exact opposite. You’re a slow and cautious driver but I drive like a maniac. You have way more faith in me than I do. You go to bed at a ridiculously early time every night and I stay up until 7 in the morning, writing blogs about all the ways I feel about things.

Despite all of these differences, I like everything about you; from your stupid insecurities to your sweet, caring nature to the fact that you never seem disappointed in me, even when you should be. You make me happy because you live 40 minutes away but that doesn’t stop you from coming to see me at the first chance you get. You call me every night, even if it’s just to ask me how my day went and to say good night. You come over if even for an hour to make me feel better if I’m sick or have been having a bad day. You encourage me to have my right to be upset but also remind me to forgive when I feel like I can handle it. You go along with my crazy ideas even if you have no idea what I’m talking about. You always know what to say to make me smile, blush or be embarrassed. I’ve only known you for a few months and you already know me more than a lot of my friends. You make funny faces at me and hold them until I look over and bust up laughing.

Because even though we have various differences, we also have a lot of similarities. I’ve discovered we’re both humongous nerds, in a good way of course. You like making people laugh and I like to laugh a lot. We both think that we suck even though we don’t. We both love cheesecake. We both love to write. We both like to think we’re right all of the time. Butt or fart jokes make both of us giggle like schoolchildren because we’re both immature. Neither of us wants kids. We both like terrible horror movies.